Review: Darkest Hour

Darkest Hour (2017) - Joe Wright

       The first scene of Darkest Hour is a wide crane shot over the floor of English Parliament in 1939, the day that Neville Chamberlain resigned as Prime Minister. It's a fine shot that very elegantly shows a bunch of old-ass, wrinkled white men gently shouting at each other in British politeness. "How dare you! Well how dare you sir!" Ugh. This was my first red flag: Old white men surrounded by more old white men doing not only old white men things but BRITISH old white men things. UGH. Then my second red flag came mere seconds later when I reminded myself, "Holy fucking shit. How many times are they going to keep telling this same fucking story over and over and over again?" British integrity! Decorum! Parliament! Churchill! Cigars! Difficult decisions about the honor of our noble Empire! Fuuuuuuck you.
       Look, I get that WWII was a pivotal point in the history of what created our modern world, and I definitely hate Nazis as much as any American--cough, well, okay nevermind, but still, you get it. But why, why, WHY are British and American filmmakers alike so obsessed with celebrating how great we did at shoving it to the fascists 80 years ago? Is it because we feel guilty about not doing as good a job at it anymore (ha, no)? Is it because old white filmmakers are desperately trying to prove the white man's diminishing relevance in today's world (ha, yes). No matter the intention behind showing us the same fucking story over and over again, it has, without a doubt, lost its oomph.

       Did you know the King George VI had a stutter? I did, because I watched it exhaustively portrayed in The King's Speech (that movie sucks). Did you know Churchill was a somewhat-despised-by-his-own party-grump, who, against all odds, succeeded in uniting the British government against the inevitable onslaught of the German forces? I did, because I watched the first season of The Crown last year (that show is actually pretty good, but thank Christ, John Lithgow's Churchill is just a supporting player to Claire Foy's much more interesting Queen Elizabeth). So why-oh-why does this movie even exist if not for any reason other than to get a famous British actor to put on hours worth of fat makeup and snatch up an Academy Award for being one of the BRAVEST WHITE MEN IN BRITISH HISTORY? There isn't any. There is no other reason for this movie to exist, and even then it still serves to show the Godly greatness of old white patriarchal politicians. I reiterate: Fuck you.
       Is the movie well made? I mean, sure, yeah. Is it well directed? Yeah, Joe Wright (of better, albeit painfully British movies like Atonement) knows how to stage a scene and get some good shots. Is Gary Oldman good as Churchill? Of course, Gary Oldman does a great, two-hour long impersonation and is unrecognizable as Winston (although, I genuinely feel most of that credit should go to the make-up artists, who no one really actually gives a shit about. I believe David Malinowski is the key makeup artist for Oldman, but IMDB is not very clear on this), but forgive me if I'm not so fucking shocked and in awe of a veteran British actor of great esteem being able to do a prolonged impression of one of the most famous and most imitable figures in British history. John Lithgow ain't British and did it amazingly a year ago. I could copy and paste every actor you've heard of who's played Churchill but it would take up the rest of this review. This movie does not need to exist. They even keep talking about the forces at Dunkirk, ANOTHER MOVIE MADE THIS YEAR THAT WAS ACTUALLY EXCITING. Uuuuuugh, I didn't realize how much this movie annoyed me until I started writing this review. Hah, this must be what all women who finally sleep with me must feel!

        It doesn't even tell a particularly interesting facet of Churchill's career. The movie takes place during the first month or so of his Prime Ministry, where he was contentiously chosen to take the place of Neville Chamberlain against his own parties wishes, because they wanted Stannis Baratheon-- sorry, something-something Halifax--aw fuck it I'm just gonna call him Stannis, to take the position, which he declined for reasons I don't remember, but were surely very British. Should Churchill be open to the idea of peace-talks with Italy and Germany in exchange for agreeable post-war terms? Or should they....not? It's a tricky situation, surely, and one that Churchill grumpily yells about for almost two hours before deciding to take the tube and ask the common people what they think. Christ. Well there he is quickly reassured that little girls and apparently the only black person in England are "totally on yuh soide, Proime Ministah! We loave ya! Aye!" It's shmaltzy farts and I won't stand for it. Then he goes in front of Parliament and (spoiler alert, fart noise) everyone agrees with him! Why didn't he just take the fucking subway at the start of the movie? Sorry Stannis. I wish Brienne of Tarth woud've been there to kill you when the flick began.

        But behind every great man is a great woman, right? At least we can have a strong female character in the mix, right? Well not here! We do have Kristen Scott Thomas and Lily Collins as Churchill's wife and secretary respectively, but they serve to do nothing other than show the audience just what a gentle and caring fucker this old fuck really is. Lily Collins, who is lovely and has a great energy about her as an actor, doesn't get to do a single thing the whole movie except follow Oldman around and look amazed by every time he fucking farts or chugs a whiskey. Good lord, we get it, WHITE MEN DO EVERYTHING AND ARE THE BEST. Have I mentioned 'fuck you' in this review, yet?
       This movie is blatant awards bate and it doesn't need to exist. Churchill was probably (read: probably not) a decent man who did a lot for Britain and for the world during a difficult time in the world's history (probably, maybe, probably not, not really), but we do not need more films about him. We have fully exhausted the golden age of World War II films where we heroically stood up to the Nazis. Now we're just going to have to wait until 2025 when there's a new group of heroic white people who save us from the Alt-Right. Goddamnit.

Grade: Who knows. Or cares. Read a history book or something.