Review: All the Money in the World

All the Money in the World (2017) - Ridley Scott

       All the Money in the World tells the true-ish story of J. Paul Getty, oil tycoon and the world's first billionaire, whose grandson, Paul Getty III, was kidnapped in Rome in 1973. He was held captive for almost half a year before...there was a conclusion of sorts (my reviews are like pick-up trucks, spoiler freeeeeeeee). What follows, however, is not a kidnapping thriller. It's barely a family drama, and it's certainly not an exploration into the nature of greed in our American culture. What could have, on paper, seemed like an interesting movie, is instead just a frustrating two plus hours of stupid people being assholes. The basic plot points were set in stone, and instead of actually trying to understand any of these characters choices, Ridley Scott is much interested in having everyone speak in aggrandizing speeches, almost like they knew everything they were going to say was going to appear in a movie trailer.
         OH YEAH. And then there was the whole, "The star of my movie turned out to be a predatory monster so instead of canceling it or pushing it back I will just reshoot every scene with a new actor," issue (you know, that old shtick). I don't want to spend a lot of this review talking about the horrifying behavior of Kevin Spacey and the production difficulties that faced the film crew once it was discovered, but suffice it to say when I spend most of the movie reflecting on how crazy it was that they had to reshoot so much of the movie so quickly instead of actually thinking about what was happening on the screen, that's not a great sign for your movie. (And to be totally parenthesis honest, it was the main reason I even wanted to see this movie. Ugh, fuck you Kevin Spacey, you fucking piece of shit.)

       Paul Getty (played very well by non-pedophile Christopher Plummer) was as famous for being rich as he was for being a miser. He installed a phone booth in his mansion that he made people pay to use. So when his teenage grandson (Charlie Plummer) is kidnapped in Rome, it's unsurprising that he's hesitant to pay the 17 million dollar ransom. Getty says it's because he doesn't want to put his other grandchildren at risk, but it's very evidently clear it's because paying that much wouldn't be tax deductible. This is kind of a fascinating concept, especially now in 2017 with a certain tax-cut poised to change the face of how the rich can save their money, but its never explored more than, "He's a rich asshole!" Which, honestly, we already know that about rich people, from movies and in real life. The movie kind of shoots itself in the foot from the gate: It's either going to just say the same things we already know, or it's going to try and find meaning in places that don't exist. Unluckily for us, the movie basically does both.
       What follows is Getty's former daughter-in-law, Abigail Harris (Michelle Williams) trying her best to get her son back with the help of Fletcher Chase (Mark Wahlberg), who is Getty's...business associate? Lawyer? Beer pong bro? They might mention his actual title in the movie but I sure can't remember it. He's basically a fixer, but he's not any fucking good at it. In fact, no one in this movie is good at anything except making big important speeches. It's seriously the stupidest kidnapping case I have ever seen perpetrated. Every kidnapper is an idiot. The first third of the movie is basically about how the Calabrian criminals who kidnap the unlucky teen keep forgetting to put their masks on, allowing the hostage to see their faces. I'm not kidding, it happens three different times with three different kidnappers. Pick another profession, idiots, one that lets you have your face out in open air.

       But the cops are stupid too. Michelle Williams is pretty idiotic, and Mark Wahlberg (which I gotta admit, I love it when they cast him as an intellectual type who wears glasses. It's like watching a 'roided up tyrannosaurus rex interpretive dance a Ted Talk about the subjective nature of memory) doesn't really do anything other than deliver exposition and incessantly say the title of the movie. Did you know Getty has...ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD?!
        When the script isn't so far up its own ass with speeches no real human would ever give (when you become super rich you only speak in cryptic monologues, I guess), there are some good performances to be had, especially by Plummer and Williams. Plummer is appropriately terrifying, instilling more fear than any of the kidnappers can ever muster. And while I never quite like her character, Williams is very good. She has a great vocal affectation, kind of Jackie O-like, that makes her heavy moments of emotional dread subtle and exciting. But other than that, the movie is just kind of flat. Especially visually: It's an ugly movie. It's all washed out in muted sepia and tints of blue. Everything looks dull and boring. And, like, shit guys, you're filming in Italy, an objectively beautiful (if not terrifyingly aggressive) country that's vibrant with life and color. I don't know why Ridley Scott decided to not shoot any of that. Maybe it's supposed to mirror the ugliness of Getty's greed? Sounds nice, but I'm sure that's not it. Instead the movie's just ugly.

         The movie is simultaneously boring and tries too hard to drum up excitement and drama in scenes that are so obviously manufactured and unreal. In one of the movie's last scenes there's a chase between four different groups of people in a town that is for some reason completely abandoned except for the aforementioned people involved in the chase. It does not make any sense. It's more ridiculous and fake than the escape scene in Argo where a bunch of Iranian soldiers are chasing a commercial flight down a runway in military trucks.
        The character resolutions are all surface level and unsatisfying. And after a non-exhaustive Wikipedia check, turns out to be chronologically bullshit. And hey, I don't care if a movie doesn't stick to its real-life counterpoint beat for beat, but if you're going to change things, it should be for a reason. Not so you can have people say grand and exquisite things in unrealistic situations. In the end its a competently made movie about incompetent people. But hey, at least there were no pedophiles in it!

Grade: 3.3 out of 17 million dollars in ransom. Plus one Christopher Plummer!

See, what this poster PRESUPPOSES is...What if Kevin Spacey weren't a piece of trash?