Mad Men Season 7, Episode 4, "The Monolith"

 

Peggy's just upset she can't fart on the orange couch anymore.

      "You have a fundamental misunderstanding of what went wrong here."

      My deepest apologies about last weeks missing Mad Men blog. Me and my special lady friend, who I don't pay for (!!!), were on a little vacation (which is ironic because I am not working currently) to one of the islands in the south of Thailand. Ever see that movie the Beach? With Leonardo DiCaprio? That kind of sucks? It's near there. But the internet there was scarce at best, and this author was half hammered at best the entire time. So. I hope you guys aren't mad at me. I hope we can move past this and be in a better stronger place. With stronger, more open and honest Mad Men reviews. It means so much to me that you trust me. Are we past that? Good, now get off your ass and go get me another beer. I SAID GO GET ME ANOTHER BEER. 

Last week's episode answered the question of "Is Don coming back to the agency" much faster than I thought it would, but then this week added a big 'BUT' to that (in the spirit of journalistic integrity, I will not make a joke about big butts. I will, however, have you take a look at the nearest picture of your mom). Last week also showed Betty being a horrible mother (no surprise there), Megan being a crazy actress (no surprise there), Roger being Don's main proponent to come back (no surprise there), but also all the other agency members totally hating on Don, Peggy included (some surprise there, I must say). I know Don went to the looney bin last season, but goddamn, it is still his agency. It was his idea for Lane to fire them and break off before they all became slaves to McCaan (I'm pretty sure that is/was a real agency, and I don't know much about it because I haven't ever cared to look, but do they just rape and torture their employees there? It seems they have every account imaginable, but every single person on this shower would rather mutilate their genitals than work there). 

So let us begin on the Monolith (that's a big rock, in case you didn't know. Ever see that movie 2001: A Space Odyssey? With Leonardo DiCaprio? That kinda sucks? It's like that.) The monolith in question could be a few different things. The first, of course, is their new computer. Hooray for Harry Crane. Harry's become even worse. Perhaps the agency does need this huge slab of technology, but the fact that it came from his request makes me have to hate it. And it is straight up depressing that at this point in Don's career at SC&P even Harry Crane can talk shit to him. 

So what does the computer mean for the agency? I'm not too clear on what exactly the specifics of its help to advertising will be, but it clearly has a great effect on Creative. Using a machine to try and calculate strategy and what people think they want does not sound like Don's prerogative. The computer symbolizes the ever changing landscape of the agency. Of everything in Don's world. Nothing is staying the same, and it seems it's getting more and more difficult for Don to keep up. It's not all his fault, as the other partners and Lou keep getting in Don's way. I thought Don was on the right track when he came to Burt with the idea of advertising the computer company…but since it was Don's idea it was shot right down. They just want him to sit in his office, quietly, not doing any work. That is definitely not Don's prerogative. 

And then there's Lou, who instead of being a man about it and talking to Don (god I hate Lou. I'm thinking about starting a whole new blog called IHateLoublogspot.blogspot.com because my hatred for him is so all-consuming, I don't want it to be the only thing I write about in these reviews), he dumps him in Peggy's lap. Low move. I don't know if Lou knew just the effect it would have on him, but he knocked that piece of manipulation right out of the park. Yes, Don reacts much like a child (literally throwing a tantrum after finding out and throwing what appears to be a lovely, functional typewriter against a window), but it's Peggy. He made her. She would not be where she was today if it wasn't for Don. She still steals his words in pitch meetings. If there was anyone to throw Don under to rile him up, it's her. 

But let's be at least a little happy that it led to some of the funniest scenes and reaction shots from John Hamm in the entire series. The absolutely revolted dead-eyed look he lays into Peggy while she's assigning him 25 tags is pure gold. Not showing up to the meeting and playing solitaire at his desk instead of walking the one office over? Classic. Also, how adorable is Mathis, trying to politely bridge the gap between Don's complete negligence and Peggy's total bitch-ness. He's a cute little eagle scout. Mad Men has become quite efficient at honing into hilarious moments that are not really played out for laughs, but are natural products of their wonderfully developed characters. The more you hang out with someone you like, the funnier they become on a daily basis, and this show nails that. And if you happened to hang out with someone like Harry Crane with any regularity, you would hate his fucking guts, even when he doesn't do anything seemingly wrong at all. Hey, they nailed that too! I hate that guy!

But at the end of the day Don's biggest opponent isn't Lou, or Harry Crane, or Burt, or even the computer. It's him. It's always been him. The monolith in question is Don. (Ooooooh, you weren't expecting that were ya? Were ya? That's what, in the blogosphere business, we call a GAME CHANGER.) He is a big, unchanging slab of granite, who has great difficulty moving anywhere. His lack of power in the office is definitely enough to get upset by, but he decides to implode all over himself, with a bottle of vodka, no less. VODKA. Straight. You're better than that Don. He comes dangerously close to blowing his whole deal worked out with the partners, and he gets very creepily up in the computer guy's face about it as well. Don is scared of the computer. He's scared of what he doesn't understand, of the power that it brings over him. He's scared of it all, and instead of moving forward he just sucks down clear alcohol from an empty coke can, screaming and rambling like he did when he got put on leave. 

It's ridiculous we only have three episodes left of this "season." The closer we get to it the more ill-at-ease I find myself about it's duration (and I was already skeptical about i when it started). What kind of climax are we headed towards in three more episodes that can feel satisfactory but not rushed? He's writing copy for Peggy. For Peggy, man. And, yes, at the end of the episode he has pulled his head out of his ass just enough to get that small task done, but where is he going from here? It's like they've neutered him at that office, and I like where the season's been going, but I just don't know what else they can try to show us and accomplish before we are put on hold for a whole year.

The Monolith is a good episode, with some classic Don-meltdown-come-back-and-try-again moments, but with so little screen time left, this season seems to be playing fast and loose with the back and forth and back and forth. Are they trying to move Don forward, or at least in a new direction, or is he just continually stuck...like a...like a big, stone monument...of some sort.

Stray Observations

• I didn't get to the Roger's daughter in a hippy commune thing in the main bulk of the review (Although I TOTALLY called that her daughter was into some weird shit in the first episode review, didn't I? DIDN'T I?!), but that's because it didn't seem all that important. I love me some Mona scenes, and Roger is definitely one of my favorite characters in the whole show, but this storyline didn't really do much for me. Yes, her new life here parallels Roger's. And yes, her abandonment of her son does also parallel Roger's, but we already knew the Sterlings were a selfish, selfish lot. Roger seems to almost like the idea of his daughter's new life until he sees her getting down with the free love, and he blows up because he doesn't want that for his little girl, pretty much because he's a hypocrite. Yep. Also, let's face it. Hippies are dumb. 
• "You want me to be a janitor? Whistle while I work?" I would pay to watch John Hamm sweep and jovially whistle an old whorehouse tune. I bet it's janky.
• "A computer is a magic machine that makes Harry Crane seem important." Classic.
• Burt has a hell of a zinger in this one. "Yes, started with a dead man whose office you now inhabit." He just compared Don to a dude who killed himself. Burt's showing all new shades of dick this season.
• I never thought Peggy would become "the enemy" to me, but she is. I have to keep reminding myself that he did totally fuck up her and Ted last season, but I just can't abide by in a world where Peggy is telling Don what to do. Maybe I'm a dick.
• I love that they even give Don the bad secretary. They're laying it in thick. She's pretty hilariously retarded, though.
• Did I mention I hate Lou? I HAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE HIM!
• But as much as I hate Lou, I love Freddy Rumsen. Who'da thought he'd be the one to snap Don straight (until he blows up next week again, anyway)? If Don should listen to anyone it is definitely Freddy. He's been there. He had way more pee in his pants, but Don can still learn a lot from him. 
• "This couch is full of farts!" Ginsberg job this season has pretty much to show up, say one funny line, and then disappear for the rest of the episode. At least he does it well. 

Cheers fellows! Till net week!

Mad Men Season 7 Episode 2, "A Day's Work"

   

"Just tell the truth." Sally Draper

When I decided to start writing these reviews, the hope was that I'd be able to write thoughtful, engaging, and possibly even humorous interpretations of the show's characters and themes on a weekly basis. What is Don going through now that he's on forced leave? Are he and Megan going to make it? What about his already strained relationship with his daughter? These are all important questions…uh…you see…but…ummmm…SCREW IT. THEY PLAYED MY FAVORITE ZOMBIES SONG AT THE END OF THE EPISODE AND THAT'S ALL I CARE ABOUT RIGHT NOW! IT'S THE ZOMBIES! AND THEY PLAYED THEM! AND THEY PLAYED 'THIS IS OUR YEAR,' EASILY MY FAVORITE SONG BY THEM EVER. IT'S EVEN BETTER THAN 'TIME OF THE SEASON!' I DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT DON RIGHT NOW BECAUSE AAAAAHGHGHGUGHGHGHG I LOVE THE ZOMBIES SO MUCH I AM GOING TO BLAST 'ODYSSEY AND ORACLE' AS LOUD AS I CAN! BEST CREDITS SONG EVERRRRRRRRRR!

Phew. Okay. Glad I got that out. tThere was no way I was going to be able to wait till the end of the review to express how happy that made me. After an episode I thought was already hugely solid, they closed it perfectly (for me, anyway, because I guess subjectivity is still a thing. Ugh, when will people learn I'm always right?) And this was a great episode. One I enjoyed very much. Last week I mentioned how the first episode of the season for Mad Men (or most shows for that matter) has a bit of catch they always have to play, a sense of duty to show us what the characters have been up to (except Betty. Never Betty), so it was nice to see this episode slow down the pace. While plenty of things still happened story wise, the episode was able to move through them more slowly, giving appropriate emotional beats where they were needed (one of my favorite of which was the great scene of Sally walking through SC&P's empty hallways to find another man working in her father's office). 

"A Day's Work" takes place on Valentine's Day, 1969. For some characters it's a big deal (Shirley, Peggy's engaged secretary and true flower-receiver), for some it's only in the background (Don, who already had Dawn send Megan something), and for some it's something they wish they could forget entirely (holy shit Peggy was a hot mess this episode). Some of them had a great day, and some of them terrible. Some of them started out great and ended sour, and some vice versa. Valentine's Day is quite possibly the most divisive holiday of the year, and I liked that they used it as a loose framework for the day in question. 

The person who is most affected by it (though really it's her own doing) is Peggy. Not much happens in her storyline, except of course for her completely ridiculous , nearly unbelievable behavior. When she first gets to work, she doesn't even remember that it is Valentine's Day. And why should she? She stabbed her last boyfriend (usually a deal-breaker) and the last man she loved squarely took a dump on her chest (Ted's freaky). She seems to be doing about as emotionally well as Don at this point. They act out in very different ways, but if she had just been sucking back more Canadian Club, I swear they would have been twins. Peggy's storyline is largely told for comedic value (something we found out around season 3 that Elizabeth Moss was very good at), and while it is kind of depressingly funny (like a clown getting trampled by an elephant, or a herd of elephants, or even just a clown getting hurt at all for that matter), it's kind of rough to watch. I squirmed when she tried to find the perfect wording for her snarky response to Ted for sending her flowers he actually didn't. I'd be embarrassed as hell too if I were her and found out they flowers were for someone else, but she handles it with about as much grace as Don did at Sterling's mother's funeral (just with slightly less barf). She loses all sight of professionalism,  even telling Joan she couldn't get any work done today because of the flower mix-up. She is literally the hottest of messes. She ends up having to get a new secretary because she's too embarrassed to deal with Shirley again. Huh. Acting out irrationally to the point where you need a new secretary because you're too ashamed? SOUND LIKE SOMEONE ELSE WE KNOW? (It does. The answer is Don. It sounds like Don.)

Joan has quite a different kind of day. It starts out as same as ever, with her having to deal with her duties as a partner and also as "Head of the Secretaries," a role she was somehow never able to free herself from, even after her promotion. That's why it's so satisfying when Jim Cutler finally notices her double duties. Joan's story is on the same trajectory it was last week, with more and more responsibility rightfully coming to her door. She kind of oppositely mirrors Pete this week, who starts the day off feeling great but gets his new account partially taken away from him as the workday goes on. This week's Pete is definitely the kind of Pete we are more used to. Petulant, angry, hilariously storming in and out of rooms. I love when he tells Ted they aren't talking anymore. Good God, I love Pete Campbell. Ya know why? It's not because he's a good character (Lord no, he's mostly repugnant), it's because he's an interesting character. He's impatient and more than a little selfish, but he's also still damn good at his job. And his job is essentially getting people to like him so that they will like his company. He can't be only smarmy if he continues to land important accounts. And therein lies what I think makes Pete Campbell so interesting. He obviously has the ability to curb his emotions in front of others, but can't seem to hone it. 

Pete being Pete, Joan getting more responsibility, Jim almost butting heads with Roger, secretary shifts, it's apparent that life at the office is going on almost exactly the same without Don there. It's disconcerting to see things go smoothly without him. I'm sure most people (myself not excluded) secretly hoped SC&P would start to fall apart without their masterful creative director there to make somber, gravely-toned soliloquies about life, death, and the nature of happiness to their clients. But that's just not the case. Business must go on. Copy still needs to be written, accounts to be landed. It's a scary notion for him to arrive at, but Don needs them more than they need him. It's been almost three months now, and still no call. Rumors have begun to circulate about Don's absence, and while no one knows exactly what happened, people know that SC&P is Draper-less and still functioning without him. 

Jim Cutler refers to him as their "collective ex-wife who's still receiving alimony." Ouch. I remember when they told him to go on leave last season that it seemed unlikely he'd be returning. I read somewhere that usually being told to go on leave like that was actually just a polite way of firing someone they couldn't technically fire. But then Don seemed so confident about his imminent return last week that I myself found myself feeling hopeful, especially since he was still writing such dynamite copy. But things at the office definitely suggest otherwise.

How much does Don truly believe he's going to get to come back to work? He's putting on a decent front, at both his "social" lunch with a fellow ad-man (whose name I am far too lazy to go back and find out, because whatever, dude was wearing a pink shirt with an orange tie anyway, LAME), and when Dawn came over to give him the low-down, but how much of it is bullshit? It was extremely depressing to see Don clean up his place and get all dolled up, straightened tie and all, to just have a two-minute discussion with his former secretary about the current state of affairs at the office. The need for secrecy does not seem to bode well for Don's future either. And then to see him just immediately turn the TV back on and loosen his tie…ugh. It's sad. We're used to seeing him in turmoil, but he usually gets to be wallowing in it in his office. It's much sadder when it's in his apartment. Alone. In his robe. Watching Little Rascals. Munching on crackers (but he is eating again! Don ate two episodes in a row! That has to be a Mad Men record.)

Don's business affairs are paramount, but the center of the episode is Sally. I'm glad they didn't try to cram even more into last week's episode, but she was the one thing it was missing for me. Sally's revelations about her father last season were some of the most painful in the shows history. The older Sally got the more inevitable it became her father's sordid affairs would start to spill out onto her. But it ended up even worse than I could ever have imagined--her walking in on her dad plowing Lindsey Weir. That's not an easy sight to bounce back from. It seemed unlikely the two would ever be able to get past such a traumatizing event. Don, however, in one of the most rare examples of honesty, shed some light onto his past when he showed Sally and Bobby the run-down whorehouse he called home. That moment at the end of Season 6, with the two of them exchanging glances in front of the old brothel was one of my all-time favorite moments in Mad Men. No words were needed between the two, and Sally, young as she is, finally started to understand, at least a little, something about her father's past that perhaps made him the way he is today. It was subtle, beautifully acted, and highly effective. 

Personally I am much more invested in this part of Don's redemption than I am his relationship with Megan or the firm. The firm is doing fine without him, Megan is living in LA all on her own and doing well in her career, all without Don living there. If anyone still needs Don as a positive influence in their life, it's his children. Already coming from a broken home with a painfully narcissistic mother, it seems unlikely Sally can escape adolescence healthy and unscathed. It's Don's responsibility to do everything he can to make sure she doesn't end up who he is. I know it's not an easy task for him, but the episodes that put this dynamic in the forefront are usually my favorite, most emotionally responsive episodes. 

It doesn't start out well for them either, when he first returns home to find her waiting there for him. As she's grown, Sally has definitely inherited a lot of Betty. Fortunately, Sally is still at the age when acting like a fifteen year old girl is appropriate. She's snarky and angry at her father, and is now old enough to see through his lies, which she's piecing together there are a lot of. The more he lies to her the further away she gets, and it comes to a head in the car when he won't answer her questions about his job. "It's more embarrassing for me to catch you in a lie than for you to be lying." This, too, is the first time Sally clearly brings up his affair with Sylvia. It's heartbreaking hearing Sally express genuine fear of going to her father's apartment. Don has no moral recourse. They sit and eat (well, she doesn't at first, and he only eats a french fry…but there's still food in front of Don! I shouldn't get so excited about this every time, but dammit I do) in almost silence until Don realizes the only thing he can do to get through to his daughter is just be honest with her. Because of him she's had to grow up a lot faster than she should have, and he owes her honesty more than anyone. 

And he finally gives her some. He tells her the truth about his job. He tells her the truth about being ashamed. And she responds. And she eats. And he even makes a cute little joke about dining and dashing (a wonderful bit of acting from John Hamm. He even had me going for a second). The episode ends with a beautifully earned moment between father and daughter, one that I think the episode rightfully took its time building to. The look on Don's face after she tells him she loves him is devastating and sweet. It pleases me greatly to see Sally and Don at the emotional center of this episode, because I think it might be the only relationship Don has left he might be able to salvage. AND THEN THEY PLAY 'THIS IS OUR YEAR' BY THE ZOMBIES AND EVERYONE GOES CRAZY! HAVE YOU HEARD THAT SONG? I MEAN, HAVE YOU REALLY HEARD IT? IT'S SO GODDAMNED GREAT! MAD MEN YOU BEAUTIFUL BASTARD.

Stray Observations:

• "Just cash the checks, you're gonna die someday." Ted Chaough is a real barrel of monkeys in California. It's quite humorous. I love when he wonders which of Peggy's accounts they lost, completely unaware of how bat-shit crazy Peggy's acting in New York.
• The bit where Dawn and Shirley jokingly call each other their own names (Get it, cuz they're black and they are easily mixed up?!) was quite funny. Also, who isn't happy for Dawn at the end when she gets Joan's old job? She's quite possibly the best secretary Don's ever had, except for Miss Blankenship, who's only fault was not being able to properly stay alive.
• "She knows what day it is. It's right there on her calendar. February 14th, gloomily masturbate." Dear God, Ginsberg, don't ever change. DON'T. EVER. CHANGE.
• Don sets an alarm for 7:30am, turns it off, and then sleeps past noon. Yep, that sounds like unemployment to me. People definitely sleep a lot when they're unemployed. Or sometimes they wake up early to watch an episode of a TV show twice so they can write a review about it and make sure it's up by the time people are awake in the states to read it. I don't know. I mean, I've heard that some unemployed people do that.
• "Jesus, Draper, is this your first funeral?" Sally gives a great look after that question that clearly conveys, "Shit. It is." I want to quickly mention how lucky the show was when they cast Kiernan Shipka. She was like all of six when the show started, and almost eight years later, she has blossomed into quite a solid little actress. I think her work in the last two seasons has been increasingly good.
• Roger Sterling said kike about three times in twenty seconds. DON'T YOU CHANGE EITHER, STERLING. YOU STAY GOLD. Oh man, should there be Ginsberg/Sterling spin-off, a la The Odd Couple? I think I've answered my own question.
• I would be remiss if I didn't point out Burt Cooper's impeccably polite racism. Goddamn, dude. I mean, of course it makes sense. It's still 1969, and Cooper is about a hundred and fifty years old, but you still can't help but drop your jaw at his request to get a "colored" girl out of sight from the elevators. But at least he was cordial about it! If you're gonna be racist, at least do it politely! That's what my mother always taught me, anyway.
• Two episodes without Harry Crane? I can get used to this. 
• There's only five episodes left of this little half season. I'm thinking by the end of these seven episodes we will have a definitive answer as to what is happening with Don and SC&P. 
• Oh, and did I mention THE ZOMBIES WERE PLAYED AT THE END THE EPISODE? DID I? DID I?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Mad Men Season 7 Episode 1, "Time Zones"

In this new weekly segment, I will review each week's new episode of the current and seventh season of AMC's Mad Men. Are you all as excited as I am? Of course you are. Of course you are.

"Time Zones"

                               "If she doesn't know you, you should just keep it that way, that's what people do."

The main question going into this final season of Mad Men (not actually the last season, because ugh, but more on that later)is: Is Don capable of change? Is he even worth salvation? After last season's glorious Don Draper meltdown (Hershey's Chocolate…Whore's Love It!), I was in the camp that maybe Don wasn't long for this world. I'm not saying he was going to kill himself (because that would be laaaaazy), but maybe he was finally tired of the facade of Don Draper. Maybe he wanted to be able to reconcile what was left of Dick Whitman. That sad little kid who was practically raped by a busty whore, and then beaten with a wooden spoon because of it. His marriage, his children, and his job were all detonating at the end of season 6. Was it the beginning of the end? Or was it an opportunity for Don to get his shit together and burst triumphantly from the ashes, like a goddamned phoenix?

The phoenix thing seemed…less than likely.

Which brings us to the season premiere of season 7, "Time Zones." Two months have passed, and a great deal of the episode, like most of Mad Men's premieres, focused on reacclimatizing us viewers into what's going on around at SCDP (SCDPCGC, SC&P, hey, that is the best one). Since Mad Men uses real-time in-between seasons, there are always a lot of questions they have to answer in the first episode. It makes for a fun watch, to see Joan, and Ken, and then Pete, and the whole gang and then go "Oh so that's how Pete's doing!" but it also makes for less nuanced, captivating episodes. Yes, I am interested in Ken's daily breakdowns due to Pete and Bob's absences (I LOVE BOB BENSON), but the show is at its best when the story is slowly unfolding over several episodes rather than just playing catch up (MORE ON THAT LATER, OKAY???). That being said, there was still plenty to like about this episode.

Last season fiddled with the idea of Joan trying to climb the Accounts ladder at SC&P with Avon Cosmetics, but that didn't go very far. This season we find out that they did in fact get the account, but she's still hungry for more. Lord knows Joan deserves more say around there. She's a goddamn partner of the entire firm, but they still treat her like Head Secretary most of the time. Maybe that can finally change? It looks like she's started demonstrating some more Peggy-ish qualities lately. Unlike Peggy, however, Joan still has a demure, sexy, female sensibility she brings to the table. It might not be as direct as Peggy, but I bet it could be just as effective.

Cool Ken Cosgrove and awful Pete Campbell have pretty much switched places, and it's hysterical. Ken even has Pete's old secretary, and apparently does have a limit to how aloof and laidback he can act under pressure. Just a buttered roll for breakfast? Come on, Ken, you need some more fiber in that diet. I for one have always been an unrepentant supporter of Pete Campbell (I'm not even totally sure why, I just don't think he's actually as shitty a person as most of his actions would lead you to believe), so I am particularly pleased to see him doing well in California. Those plaid pants, the hug he plants on Don, that goddamn sweater he ties around his shoulders, the way he just yells for iced tea instead of ordering it like a normal person…it's hilarious. We actually got to hear him seriously use the word "….vibrations." I could watch an entire episode of just Hippie Dippy Pete. Maybe he won't blow his brains out like everyone's been speculating for seasons. OR maybe it's a misdirect! Hippy Pete overdoses on groovy vibrations and pastrami sandwiches!

Peggy, however, ain't doing as great. After she took Don's chair at the end of season 6, I thought things might really be looking up for ol' Margaret. But she seems to be stuck in more of the same than ever. She's still in that same shitty apartment she bought with Abe. She's still stuck around Ted. And now she's got an even stupider boss to make her job even harder (Lou Avery is gross, just let me say it. I don't like him. Or his face.) Peggy's ambition and hardass attitude have seemed to hold her back as much as it has propelled her forward. If it were happening in today's world it's because strong women in the workplace, equality, you go girl, but back in the 60's, even after she's spent almost a decade making a name for herself, she still is putting up with bullshit from all angles. And Lou sucks.  Did I mention that about him? He might not be as emotionally damaging as Don, but at least Don knew copywriting.

And then there's Don. Donny Don Donny boy. The episode title clearly stems from his new bicoastal life with Megan (Roger seems to be experimenting with some BI-coastalness himself, AMIRITE!?!? *Looks around for high-five. Sees no one. Clears throat.*) While it's anything but perfect, I have to admit that Don's doing way better than I anticipated. I was pretty sure he and Megan were done after he told her he wouldn't be moving to LA, and I didn't think he'd be doing very well with being practically fired as well. But as it turns out, he and Megan are still trying to make it work. Only now they're across the entire country from each other. Absence make the heart grow fonder, right? (I actually have no idea if that's true, I read it in a fortune cookie once) But Megan still has reservations; not wanting to bang, getting extremely agitated over Don trying to give her large presents, and why shouldn't she? Don was the absolute WORST last season. She says she hates barely seeing him in this new arrangement, but it also seems to be the only way to possibly have their relationship work. Is it worth it?

The reveal that Don wrote Freddy Rumsen's inspired Wristwatch copy was delightful, but a lot of me expected Don to just be way worse off than he is. Yes, he is still working his way back up, and using other people to get his ideas out there out of fear of losing the job he only might still have, but his copy is great, and he's apparently been kicking ass at it since he was asked to leave his own firm. Last season I don't think we saw Don nail one pitch. They were either all about suicide or robbing dudes with prostitutes for candy bars. It's frustrating that he can still be that goddamn good at his job, but only months after the fact. Get it together, Draper. Or don't. I don't know. I DON'T KNOW, DON.

It all seems like a temporary fix. He is trying to make it work with Megan, but then the second he's on the plane he starts flirting with the attractive Megan-esque girl sitting next to him. He even admits "She knows I'm a terrible husband." Well, you're goddamned right. She knows it, you know it, this chick sitting next to you on the plane knows it…even if he doesn't go home with her, I don't know what he's going to do, or can do, to truly make things better. When he is watching TV with a sleeping Megan, the screen shows some fairy-tale looking text that reads: 

"In these days of war and rumors of wars--haven't you ever dreamed of a place where all was peace and security, where living was not a struggle but a lasting delight? Of course, so has every man since Time began. Always the same dream, sometimes be calls it utopia--sometimes the Fountain of Youth--Sometimes merely 'that little chicken farm.'"

       Yep. I'd say that sounds like Don. At the beginning of the end, this is where Don's head is. But it's also where his head has always been. We've seen him go up and we've seen him go down, but he keeps ending up in the same place: looking desperate and forlorn, gazing off far away as the episode turns to black, only this time he's sitting outside in the freezing cold. What does this last season have in store to possibly fix that? Or is he just broken and can't be fixed? Maybe he's not supposed to ever find that little chicken farm.

Are we going to find out this season? Who knows, because it's not a real season. It's half season. Just a little halfsy. Part of a season. This is the biggest problem I see going into these seven episodes. Since there's going to be another year long break between Season 7 part I and Season 7 part II (barf), it's actually two distinctly different sets of episodes. But with only seven episodes instead of the regular 13, I think they are going to have to cram a whole lot in the next six hours of television to make it feel like it's at a proper point of completion. I understand why AMC is breaking them up (Because A) with Breaking Bad gone, and now Mad Men almost done, AMC is totally screwed with their line-up, and because B) DOLLAR DOLLAR BILLS, Y'ALL), but after this episode, I am even more wearisome that it is only going to stifle the slow, deliberate pacing that the show has become so famous for. I want to watch everything unfold in its own time, and I don't think 7 episodes are going to cut it. 

But still, Mad Men is back, and I am gleeful about it. It is easily the best show on television today, and also the best show AMC has ever aired (suck it Walter White). Two half seasons or one regular season, either way I am still excited to see how Don might better himself, or further explode everything in his life he gives a shit about.

Stray Observations: 

• Roger is apparently living in an opium den. It suits him. It really does. I like his inter-gendered harem, too, he's very 1969 right now. Is his daughter in a cult? Iiiiiiiiit seems like his daughter is in a cult. I could do some inter web research to see if there were any popular cults emerging in the late 60s in New York, but that's NERD STUFF. I don't RESEARCH. I WATCH TV, OKAY?
• I was so excited to see Joel Murray (Bill Murray's younger brother) in the opening credits. I love Freddy Rumsen. "There's a nice way to say that, and the way you just said it." Classic.
• Ken not being able to throw the earring because of his eye patch was the funniest thing I've seen.
• Megan's very gay agent mentions getting her teeth fixed and I got very angry. I love Megan's teeth. They're probably her best feature (cause it's obviously not her spousal choice skills AMIRITE??? *Holds hand up for high five. Waits. Puts it back down. Clears throats*) But really, I think her teeth are cute. 
• Lou is creepy. When he called Dawn "nurse?" Yuck. 
• We saw Done take TWO BITES OF FOOD this week. In ONE EPISODE. That has to be a goddamn record. Don NEVER eats. I hate handsome men on television who are never hungry. I ate a sandwich and chicken tenders during 45-minute episode alone. 
• Mad Men has absolutely perfected the Megan Draper side boob. Megan's side boob is worth more than most women's whole boob. There, I said it. 

Movie Review - G.I. Joe Retaliation (2013)

                                                       G.I. Joe: Retaliation (2013)

                                              Directed by John M. Chu

     G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra opened in August 2009 to a decent 54 million in its first weekend, so yes, it was inevitable that they were going to make a sequel. I watched the first G.I. Joe on Netflix Instant one hung over Saturday, and man was it bad. Marlon Wayans plays "the funny guy," and we all know how that's going to turn out (think of the two racist Transformers in Transformers 2, but slightly less humanistic.) I don't remember much about it at this point other than the fact that it was lazy action movie trope after lazy action movie trope, cluttered with stupid special effects that served no exciting immediacy. But I watch stupid action movies, and certainly can enjoy them, especially when my head hurts and I don’t feel like moving. Hungover people be watchin' Netflix, y’all.
     But between then and now 21 Jump Street happened and Channing Tatum became pretty much the only actor I care about (true story) and I heard he was making another G.I. Joe movie only this time with the Rock and I said "why yes, sir, why the hell not." So now (after it was originally supposed to be released last summer but was pushed back, more on that later) I've seen it and I can confidently say it was pretty much exactly as bad as I thought it was going to be. Maybe a little worse. Maybe a little better. Who can tell?
     I'm obviously not getting paid to write this review (although I do have to wrap it up because I need to go to my night job where I do get paid to clean some dude's apartment naked while I chain smoke cigarettes and he watches) so I should clarify from the beginning that if this movie didn't have Channing Tatum (who shall forever now only be referred to by his street name, C-Tates) I wouldn't have seen it. Director John M. Chu isn’t exactly a draw (he directed more than one of the Step-Up series, but not even the one starring C-Tates), and even with Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson headlining, that would not have been enough to get me to the theaters to see the sequel to a bad action movies based on friggin’ toys.
     The worst thing about the movie isn't that it doesn't bring any original ideas to the table. It's a franchise based on action figures, I'm not expecting "Inception" or something that actually appeared to have a screenplay. The problem with G.I. Joe: Retaliation is that it doesn't even do the over-used action movie plot points well. At all. The president has been kidnapped (and his kept in what appears to be the White House's tool-shed, but, maybe it was underground?) and is being impersonated by some bad dude using "nanotechnology" (I just laughed typing that word), to make his face appear as his. Only problem is, HE NEVER TAKES IT OFF. We are left with scene after scene of two presidents staring at each other. I'm not saying Jonathon Pryce is a terrible actor (I think he played the bad guy in the Pierce Brosnan 007 "Tomorrow Never Dies") but, well, he really shouldn't be playing two characters. He is the epitome of "American President in Action Movie" actor, and it's bland. And who plays the guy in the nanotechnology that disguises him? The bad guy from The Mummy movies, Imhotep! I would SO much rather watch that guy do evil stuff than a crackery old white guy.
     There's a bad guy in a mask. He is evil, you see, cuz you can't see his face. There is a bad guy who, for the life of me, I could not guess what kind of accent he was trying to accomplish. The action sequences were pretty unenthusiastic  They start with promise but never deliver. The movie's biggest set piece is a mountain-side sword battle between ninjas flying around on harnesses. It sounds pretty cool, but halfway through I'm just distracted by the fact that they have an unconscious person in a body-bag type thing and he is flopping around on the mountain with everyone. It looked funny, and then oh yeah, this sword fighting shit is still happening. What did they do with that body? Oh the scene's over, where's C-Tates? The movie has a downright criminal under usage of Channing Tatum. It's bullshit.

                                                  Honey's ain't be hatin on C-Tates, yo. No respekkin.

  But for the scenes he IS in, he mumbles along cute enough. He and the Rock banter, and for a movie like this, it's as good as you're going to get. I will state for the record that I think Dwayne Johnson is one of the most charismatic action stars we have in Hollywood today. I love that guy. He makes everyday things look so tiny when he's near them. And while G.I. Joe: Retaliation (I'm almost done with my second beer and that word is getting harder and harder to type) gives him virtually nothing to do in the way of dialogue, character development, or even just general action star-ness, it's still kind of nice to see him on the big screen punching people and kicking ass. He has some good moments in the film that breathe some faint life of excitement. There is a hot girl G.I. Joe, her special skill is being hot. There is another G.I. Joe…who…well he's a guy. And he's tough? The movie doesn't do much in the way of characterization.
     Which, it wouldn't need to if it had engaging action sequences that at least partially elevated some sort of story (there are nukes, that is the plot of this movie). And I don't need DEEP characters but I do need them to be likable, and the Rock can't do all the work, can he? Instead we get Bruce Willis, who you can practically see counting his money before the director even calls cut. After two Expendables movies (and a third to come) and the fact that there are now FIVE Die Hard movies (and a sixth to come) there is nothing I can say anymore about the whole "Old Action Star" comeback thing that hasn't already been said a thousand times. All I know is it's not nearly as cute as studio executives think it is.

                                                                              Never forget.     There is the appearance of a certain, very famous rapper who in known for his penchant of Kung-Fu and Asian cultures, who has a cameo in the movie as the Blind Master. I can't quite tell if the director did this tongue in cheek, or because he thought having a famous rapper would be cool. It makes a big difference, and I really want to like the fact that the RZA is in this movie for a hot minute, but I doubt anyone involved in the making of this movie has any idea what tongue in cheek means.
     It’s worth noting that the movie was supposed to be released last summer, but was pushed back for several possible reasons. Terrible test results were obviously it, but the studio released some statement stating it was to convert it into 3D so that “more people could enjoy it on a new and exciting” blah blah blah who cares. I like to think it was to add more C-Tates into the first twenty minutes so that he could possibly come back for a third. And the worst part is? If There’s a third, and C-Tates is in it, I will totally see it.
     Not enough C-Tates. Not enough good.

4 out of 10 stars

Nick Kaminsky's Food Blog III: Pizza My Heart

This one took a REALLY long time to finally edit, I know. But it's ever so worth the wait! For the first time (on this blog, and in my life), here is Nick Kaminsky's patented HOMEMADE PIZZA; homemade sauce, homemade crust, homemade cheese*, the whole deal. Below the video we have the ingredients written out, as always. Enjoy the embarrassment that is my drinking problem!

*There is absolutely no homemade cheese in this recipe. I don't even know how to DO that.



Sauce:
1 Medium Yellow Onion
3-4 Garlic Cloves (make it as garlicy as you want)
1 Can tomato Puree
1 Can diced tomatoes
Salt
Pepper
1/4 cup or so Red Wine (or wed wine vinegar)

Crust:
1 packet dry active yeast
1/2 cup warm water
1/2 cup milk
4-5 cups flour, plus more for later (This was the part of the recipe that gave me a lot of trouble. I ended up using quite a bit of flour, possibly 6-7 cups worth. Just try it out yourself, you can always add more flour to the recipe as you need to. You just want it to look like a pizza dough by the end of it).
A drizzle of Olive Oil
Sugar
Salt
Oregano

Toppings:
Fresh mozzeralla cheese
Sliced Tomatoes
Sliced Mushrooms
Sauteed Garlic
(Use as much of these toppings as you desire. Have fun. Add your own ingredients. Get just as wasted as I did. Or don't.)

After I finished cooking and eating, I promptly fell asleep on the porch. But don't worry. After an hour or so I rallied and cleaned the shit out of those nice girls' kitchen. Thanks again Saoirse, Kate, and Colleen. I loved getting shitty drunk and cooking pizza in your home.

MORE DELICIOUS INTOXICATION TO COME!

Catching Up. Broken Promises. Summer Movies. Autoerotic Asphyxiation Tips

Nope. No reason.

Hello Blogosphere...it's uh. Well, it's me again. I know I was supposed to call. No, I didn't forget. Look, I'm sorry that I have been a total dick lately. It's not that I didn't want to call you or anything, it was just tough. I've been busy with a lot of other stuff and I didn't have a struggling desire to come up with witty blog posts. But in the end I took the coward's way out, and just ignored the problem at hand (SYMBOLISM!!!) It was stupid Blogosphere, and I hope some day you can forgive me. I'm going to try to be better about it. I talk about how I want to write and blah blah blah, so why did I choose to ignore you? It was neglectful on my part, especially because I care about you so much. These are not excuses Blogosphere, but here are some of the reasons I stopped writing to you:

Work became busier - I get such relish in completing my blog posts during the work day. It's the closest I've ever gotten to getting paid for writing! But the warehouse race has just been kicking my ass, and I have not nearly as much time to muse about bullshit. Why don't I just write at home you ask? That is a very good question, and to be honest, I'm kind of fucking offended you asked. I guess that leads to point two:

Laziness - I have been very lazy lately. Very, very, lazy. And when laziness strikes, creative endeavors is the first thing to go out the window (upkeep of apartment, grocery shopping, and personal hygene are usually close to follow).

I am stupid - I have been spending my time doing and worrying about stupid things. STOP BEING A STUPID PERSON, NICK. (That was the comment I got on my fourth grade report card, incidentally. And after I lost my virginity).

I was afraid I didn't know what to write about - Sometimes it's hard thinking of clever and witty thigns to write about in blog posts 3-4 times a week. It can get stressful trying to rack my brain for more things to discuss and explore. But then. But THEN. I realized something improtant: Who gives a shit? This Blogosphere is probably 75% consisted of Nick Kaminsky anyway. What I'm trying to say here is: this blog is more for me than anyone else. Does that sound selfish? It should. I'm a selfish person and I think I am fucking hilarious. It's true, ask anyone. I am the goddamn most hilarious person ever in the entire world, according to me. So I don't need to worry about creating interesting topics or being "relevant" (whatever THAT means). I just gotta do what I do. Which is entertain the shit out of myself.

Well. There we have it. What else is going on?

The summer is almost over, so that means the Summer Blockbuster season is almost over as well. I have done my best to see as many movies as the shrapnel in my back pocket could afford, but sure, I definitely missed a few big name flicks. But what are you gonna do? Well, not see Dark Shadows, for one.

The Movies I liked:

Moonrise Kingdom - My favorite movie of the summer. It is almost like Wes Anderson is doing an impersination of a Wes Anderson movie, but it is still really great, and really quirky, and has shirtless Bill Murray holding an axe. We have a best movie of 2012 so far. "I love you, but you don't know what you're talking about."

Magic Mike - I had to see this movie a second time because the first time I was too drunk and fell asleep. I love this movie. It is legitmately good. And yes, I am half in love and half obsessed with Channing Tatum. C-Tates is the MAN. Throw him in with Academy Award winning and no-name-taking BADASS like Steven Soderburgh, and you got a straight up awesome movie. Also, Matthew McCounghaey playing Matthew McConnahey. Alright, alright, alright.

The Dark Knight Rises - Easily my favorite Batman movie of the new trilogy. It was the best told story of the three, and didn't have an absolutely awful third act. I appreciate that. Also, and I don't like saying this, and hope I will never have to again, but Anne Hatheway was probably my favorite part of the movie. I need a shower now.

The Avengers - Easily the best superhero movie ever made.

Men In Black III - Woah. Who the fuck saw this one coming? It took two years to complete due to production halts and budget problems, didn't have a finished script when production began, and the entire time traveling idea for the film was thought up by Will Smith himself. This movie should have sucked and it should have sucked hard (the second one is an abortion of a film), but it doesn't. This movie doesn't suck at all. In fact it's kind of...good?

Ted - Yeah, I did. I liked Ted. I can't resist Mahky Mahk. It was a totally competent comedy and it made me laugh.

Movies I didn't like:

Prometheus - Goddamn I wanted to like this movie, I really did (if for nothing else than Michael Fassbender and his big dong), but I didn't. I didn't think it was successufl as an scifi/horror action flick, and I didn't think it worked as a philosphical drama either. It fell flat. And I peed on it afterwards.

The Amazing Spiderman - I didn't hate this movie. But I didn't really like it. It couldn't decide on a tone, which, seems like a pretty important part of a superhero movie. It tries to be edgy and new, but still can't shed all of the silly playfulness and cheese that is Spiderman. That and it was too long. And the villain's motivations made no sense whatsoever. And also, WE JUST SAW THIS MOVIE TEN YEARS AGO.

Hi. I'm the only good part of this movie.

Movies I did not see beacuse eh:

• The Dictator
• Seeking a Friend for the End of the World
• Brave
• Total Recall
• The Bourne Legacy
• Savages
• Expendables 2 (Okay this I do really want to see, I just haven't yet)

Movies I did not see because ew:

• Dark Shadows (Fuck Tim Burton)
• Snow White and the Huntsman (EW)
• Madagascar 756
• Ice Age 432
• Rock of Ages (I worked at a maximum security prison for 7 years, and the trailer for that movie is still the gayest thing I've ever seen)
• Battleship (Fuck Transformers at sea. Man, I'm not even sure why, but I do feel a little bad for Taylor Kitsch though. That dude took a pounding this summer. And not the fun kind)

My movies make no money. I bet it has nothing to do with my douchebag face.

• Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter (how can you have a movie called Abraham Lincoln VAMPIRE HUNTER and give it no sense of humor whatsoever?)
• Katy Perry 3D Concert (Hahahahahah)
• Tyler Perry's Witness Protection (Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry)
• The Watch

Looking through this list I realize I should have seen more movies. Particularly the ones that looked horrible. I would have loved to include Battleship and Snow White onto my "movies I hated list." I would have hated both of those. Especially the one with Heartburn McBiteslip.

My movies make a lot of money. I bet it's because of my douchebag face.

So a few months ago I lost another iPod (I've gone through more iPods in the last 10 years than I have pairs of shoes), and in an angry decision to never shell out the big bucks for an mp3 player again, I bought a tiny 4 gig piece of shit. It's not like I need anything fancy. Just a small device that will hold 20-30 albums and some songs that I like to run to (this body didn't happen by accident). Simple enough. And for the 60 bucks I ended up shelling out on it (no I didn't shop around because MAN REASON SHOPPING IS DUMB), I figured it would definitely be able to handle the two simple tasks I asked of it.

You're a piece of shit, Derek!

But it couldn't. It's a piece of shit. And as a result I only have four albums on it. I have pretty much only listened to four different albums all summer. They are the following:

Funhouse - The Stooges
Maggot Brain - Funkadelic
Odessey and Oracle - The Zombies
Who Killed Sgt. Pepper? - The Brian Jonestown Massacre

SO. Really I could be in much worse company. Those are four pretty fucking awesome records. But still, it gets kind of repetitious. I mean, I love the Stooges, but I can't even hear 1969 (lame). But I will say, I have such a big goddamn appreciation for that Jonestown album now. I, like most people out there (I'd guess, I can't speak for everyone because 99 PERCENT), I had started to grow a bit weary with new Brian Jonestown albums. They are becoming stranger, more electronic, and way more European. But after listening to this album over and over and over (and over and over and over) I have come to love it so much. Each track, most stranger than the last, have such an interesting and undeniable energy to them. Oh yeah, that strange energy is a lot of drugs. This album was produced on and makes you want to do a lot of drugs.

And always have a spotter.

See you soon Blogosphere.

Nick Kaminsky's Food Blog - Episode 2: Drunk Scampi

O Glorious Blogosphere, how I have desired to suckle once again from your gentle bosom! That was weird. Well! Here we are with the second cooking video blog (or VLOG AS THE CRAZY KIDS ARE CALLING IT), made by the only man willing to stoop this low while cooking such high class food! Enjoy the madness that ensues, and the deliciousness that follows!



RECIPE

POTATOES

3 Medium-Large Potatoes, chopped into pieces
1-2 tbsp. Extra Virgin Olive Oil (EEVO)
Salt
Pepper
Roast at 350 until browned and crispy delicious (about 35-45 minutes)

PARSLEY SAUCE

3 Scallions (Just the green part)
3 Cloves Garlic
1/2 - 1 Bunch Italian Parsley
1 tbsp. White Wine Vinegar
Salt
Pepper
Red Chili Flakes
2-3 tbsp EEVO (Slowly drip into the parsley mixture while inside the food processor until you get a texture like in the video. It's awesome that way.)

SHRIMP SCAMPI

2-3 tbsp Unsalted Butter
3 Garlic Cloves
2-3 tbsp. Parsley
1 tbsp. White Wine
1/2 Lemon
Salt
Pepper

Assemble on plate. Add GOAT CHEESE LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!! Enjoy.

Until next time Blogosphere!