Wednesday, 22 August 2012

Catching Up. Broken Promises. Summer Movies. Autoerotic Asphyxiation Tips

Nope. No reason.

Hello's uh. Well, it's me again. I know I was supposed to call. No, I didn't forget. Look, I'm sorry that I have been a total dick lately. It's not that I didn't want to call you or anything, it was just tough. I've been busy with a lot of other stuff and I didn't have a struggling desire to come up with witty blog posts. But in the end I took the coward's way out, and just ignored the problem at hand (SYMBOLISM!!!) It was stupid Blogosphere, and I hope some day you can forgive me. I'm going to try to be better about it. I talk about how I want to write and blah blah blah, so why did I choose to ignore you? It was neglectful on my part, especially because I care about you so much. These are not excuses Blogosphere, but here are some of the reasons I stopped writing to you:

Work became busier - I get such relish in completing my blog posts during the work day. It's the closest I've ever gotten to getting paid for writing! But the warehouse race has just been kicking my ass, and I have not nearly as much time to muse about bullshit. Why don't I just write at home you ask? That is a very good question, and to be honest, I'm kind of fucking offended you asked. I guess that leads to point two:

Laziness - I have been very lazy lately. Very, very, lazy. And when laziness strikes, creative endeavors is the first thing to go out the window (upkeep of apartment, grocery shopping, and personal hygene are usually close to follow).

I am stupid - I have been spending my time doing and worrying about stupid things. STOP BEING A STUPID PERSON, NICK. (That was the comment I got on my fourth grade report card, incidentally. And after I lost my virginity).

I was afraid I didn't know what to write about - Sometimes it's hard thinking of clever and witty thigns to write about in blog posts 3-4 times a week. It can get stressful trying to rack my brain for more things to discuss and explore. But then. But THEN. I realized something improtant: Who gives a shit? This Blogosphere is probably 75% consisted of Nick Kaminsky anyway. What I'm trying to say here is: this blog is more for me than anyone else. Does that sound selfish? It should. I'm a selfish person and I think I am fucking hilarious. It's true, ask anyone. I am the goddamn most hilarious person ever in the entire world, according to me. So I don't need to worry about creating interesting topics or being "relevant" (whatever THAT means). I just gotta do what I do. Which is entertain the shit out of myself.

Well. There we have it. What else is going on?

The summer is almost over, so that means the Summer Blockbuster season is almost over as well. I have done my best to see as many movies as the shrapnel in my back pocket could afford, but sure, I definitely missed a few big name flicks. But what are you gonna do? Well, not see Dark Shadows, for one.

The Movies I liked:

Moonrise Kingdom - My favorite movie of the summer. It is almost like Wes Anderson is doing an impersination of a Wes Anderson movie, but it is still really great, and really quirky, and has shirtless Bill Murray holding an axe. We have a best movie of 2012 so far. "I love you, but you don't know what you're talking about."
Magic Mike - I had to see this movie a second time because the first time I was too drunk and fell asleep. I love this movie. It is legitmately good. And yes, I am half in love and half obsessed with Channing Tatum. C-Tates is the MAN. Throw him in with Academy Award winning and no-name-taking BADASS like Steven Soderburgh, and you got a straight up awesome movie. Also, Matthew McCounghaey playing Matthew McConnahey. Alright, alright, alright.

The Dark Knight Rises - Easily my favorite Batman movie of the new trilogy. It was the best told story of the three, and didn't have an absolutely awful third act. I appreciate that. Also, and I don't like saying this, and hope I will never have to again, but Anne Hatheway was probably my favorite part of the movie. I need a shower now.

The Avengers - Easily the best superhero movie ever made.

Men In Black III - Woah. Who the fuck saw this one coming? It took two years to complete due to production halts and budget problems, didn't have a finished script when production began, and the entire time traveling idea for the film was thought up by Will Smith himself. This movie should have sucked and it should have sucked hard (the second one is an abortion of a film), but it doesn't. This movie doesn't suck at all. In fact it's kind of...good?

Ted - Yeah, I did. I liked Ted. I can't resist Mahky Mahk. It was a totally competent comedy and it made me laugh.

Movies I didn't like:

Prometheus - Goddamn I wanted to like this movie, I really did (if for nothing else than Michael Fassbender and his big dong), but I didn't. I didn't think it was successufl as an scifi/horror action flick, and I didn't think it worked as a philosphical drama either. It fell flat. And I peed on it afterwards.

The Amazing Spiderman - I didn't hate this movie. But I didn't really like it. It couldn't decide on a tone, which, seems like a pretty important part of a superhero movie. It tries to be edgy and new, but still can't shed all of the silly playfulness and cheese that is Spiderman. That and it was too long. And the villain's motivations made no sense whatsoever. And also, WE JUST SAW THIS MOVIE TEN YEARS AGO.
Hi. I'm the only good part of this movie.

Movies I did not see beacuse eh:

  • The Dictator
  • Seeking a Friend for the End of the World
  • Brave
  • Total Recall
  • The Bourne Legacy
  • Savages
  • Expendables 2 (Okay this I do really want to see, I just haven't yet)

Movies I did not see because ew:

  • Dark Shadows (Fuck Tim Burton)
  • Snow White and the Huntsman (EW)
  • Madagascar 756
  • Ice Age 432
  • Rock of Ages (I worked at a maximum security prison for 7 years, and the trailer for that movie is still the gayest thing I've ever seen)
  • Battleship (Fuck Transformers at sea. Man, I'm not even sure why, but I do feel a little bad for Taylor Kitsch though. That dude took a pounding this summer. And not the fun kind)

My movies make no money. I bet it has nothing to do with my douchebag face.

  • Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter (how can you have a movie called Abraham Lincoln VAMPIRE HUNTER and give it no sense of humor whatsoever?)
  • Katy Perry 3D Concert (Hahahahahah)
  • Tyler Perry's Witness Protection (Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry)
  • The Watch

Looking through this list I realize I should have seen more movies. Particularly the ones that looked horrible. I would have loved to include Battleship and Snow White onto my "movies I hated list." I would have hated both of those. Especially the one with Heartburn McBiteslip.

My movies make a lot of money. I bet it's because of my douchebag face.

So a few months ago I lost another iPod (I've gone through more iPods in the last 10 years than I have pairs of shoes), and in an angry decision to never shell out the big bucks for an mp3 player again, I bought a tiny 4 gig piece of shit. It's not like I need anything fancy. Just a small device that will hold 20-30 albums and some songs that I like to run to (this body didn't happen by accident). Simple enough. And for the 60 bucks I ended up shelling out on it (no I didn't shop around because MAN REASON SHOPPING IS DUMB), I figured it would definitely be able to handle the two simple tasks I asked of it.
You're a piece of shit, Derek!

But it couldn't. It's a piece of shit. And as a result I only have four albums on it. I have pretty much only listened to four different albums all summer. They are the following:

Funhouse - The Stooges
Maggot Brain - Funkadelic
Odessey and Oracle - The Zombies
Who Killed Sgt. Pepper? - The Brian Jonestown Massacre

SO. Really I could be in much worse company. Those are four pretty fucking awesome records. But still, it gets kind of repetitious. I mean, I love the Stooges, but I can't even hear 1969 (lame). But I will say, I have such a big goddamn appreciation for that Jonestown album now. I, like most people out there (I'd guess, I can't speak for everyone because 99 PERCENT), I had started to grow a bit weary with new Brian Jonestown albums. They are becoming stranger, more electronic, and way more European. But after listening to this album over and over and over (and over and over and over) I have come to love it so much. Each track, most stranger than the last, have such an interesting and undeniable energy to them. Oh yeah, that strange energy is a lot of drugs. This album was produced on and makes you want to do a lot of drugs.

And always have a spotter.

See you soon Blogosphere.

1 comment: