Review: Justice League

Justice League (2017) - Zach Snyder (Also Joss Whedon, at least for any shots where the camera lingered on Gal Gadot's crotch and ass for uncomfortably too long)

       Recently while teaching one of my classes (I'm an ESL teacher, you see) the subject of the most recent World Series came up. Regardless of having now lived in LA for over a year and having no real affiliation with the Cubs (I'm from Chicago, you see), I still wanted the Dodgers to lose. I thought it would be kind of funny to see my LA friends, who are all decent people who happen to like a sports franchise from their hometown, be mad and upset about LA losing (I swear this has a point, you see), and during that class one of my students (Who is from Korea, you se--okay, I'll stop) correctly pointed out that makes me a hater. It's true. I am. I'm a fucking hater you guys. I kind of like hating things, a bit of a contrarian if you will (don't worry, by this point in the review you're supposed to hate me). So as you can imagine, I bought my opening night ticket for Justice League licking my lips and tapping my fingers together like Monty Burns in anticipation for a new, sure to make many people happy, Hollywood action hero DC abortion. Something I can really sink my teeth into with hatred. And boy was I...kind of fucking conflicted. Because I didn't hate Justice League. Sure that's not the highest of praise....but...I DIDN'T HATE HATE THIS MOVIE AND IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY.
       Justice League is the culmination of the past four DCU outputs that started with Man of Steel four whole years ago. Out of those four, Wonder Woman was the only that was, frankly, not shit. And like every other non-DC-obsessive neckbeard who pours over movie news on the internet every goddamn day, I expected this to be another steaming pile of fuck-garbage, no better or worse than BVSDOJ. But it's....not.

I know this isn't the correct Flash and I do not care.

        Let me be clear. Justice League is not a good movie. It's not even a good superhero movie. It has so many problems I am probably going to have to just bullet point them during this review. It is aeons away from what the original Avengers (sorry for an obvious comparison but it's the correct one) was able to accomplish, and I don't even really like The Avengers. The bad guy in Justice League is easily the worst villain to ever exist in a modern superhero movie. It is an ugly, poorly-designed CGI-fuckfest of a film. And I sort of, almost, kind of, maybe liked it. Or at least didn't hate it.
       If I sound vague or confusing that's because that's how I fucking feel. How did this movie happen, and more importantly, how did I not despise it? Despite it's many, many problems, it had an almost endearing quality of fuck-uppery to it.
       I will spend basically zero time going into plot details because that's what the filmmakers did. There's a bad guy. He is bad because he is bad (you see) and wants to kill the world because that's what bad guys do. His name is Steppenwolf and he is the best/worst villain to ever be in a superhero movie. He is 100% uncanny valley CGI nightmare fuel. Who the fuck designed him? Who thought he was a good fit for a possible billion dollar movie? He looks like Thanos from the MCU had sex with The Rock's Scorpion King from The Mummy Returns and they gave birth to a baby with all of the bad Hepatituses (but none of the good ones). Seriously, it's bad.

       I cannot stress enough how ugly this movie is. It has so much bad CGI, entire sets and action pieces look like crudely drawn scenes on Microsoft Paint. The final fight scene is done in...Russia? I think? It doesn't matter though because it's just one big dreary haze of red with those awful flying zombie flies (they were the...bad guy's bad guys?) zipping around. And Henry Cavill's upper lip...ugh.

       So, then, what does work? I groan at the prospect of writing these following sentences, but there are some legitimately decent moments between our heroes. The movie does actually have a sense of humor and at least seems concerned with making our five main characters enjoyable to watch. Ezra Miller's The Flash is very one note, but dumbly sweet. The movie also does a decent job of showcasing each superhero in their own right, making a case why each person needs to be there.

SPOILER ALERT BUT NOT REALLY A SPOILER BUT STILL IT IS A SPOILER SO DON'T CONTINUE READING IF YOU DON'T WANT SPOILERS.

      Which then brings me to a big criticism, one of the movies biggest fucking issues: Superman. I appreciate that Henry Cavill barely ever appeared in the trailers, but fuck did Supes' arrival back into the fold suck out everything possibly interesting from the flick. I mean, of course he was going to be in the movie, I feel like that alone isn't much of a spoiler, right? But the way the movie introduces him back into the team basically robs every other character, you know, the ones we have been getting to know for the last hour and a half, of any agency. "Well thank god Superman is back. He's a beacon." He can do what we can't because Superman, even though he's dead and not even really in this movie.
       Why have Cyborg if Superman do the same thing? He's just as fast as the Flash and even though we don't get a cute post-credit scene about it I'm sure he swims faster than Aquaman. I'm not saying they shouldn't have Superman in a Justice League movie, all's I'm saying is Superman's arrival 100% halts the movie's narrative and shifts any dramatic focus squarely off the characters I actually started not hating (namely the Flash. But also I kind of hated him? Ugh, what was this movie?)
       This movie is a goddamn mess. Most of the dialogue is a joke (why do they insist on making Amy Adams say the worst things ever? She's a goddamn treasure and you are RUINING her), the narrative structure is all off (it takes the bad guy the first hour to steal the first two boxes and then he literally takes the last one off-camera in two seconds), and it is emotionally tone deaf. But it's somehow not the worst.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

         Okay, I said I was going to do it and I'm a man of my word (blatant reference to better Batman villain), and I feel kinda crummy about it, but I gotta, it's the only way to get the rest of this review finished. Here's a bullet point of the rest of my thoughts of this movie:

• Slow motion criminal kicking over a CRATE OF ORANGES. You're right, movie! Things are baaaad! Seriously though, the shot of oranges being kicked lasts like 24 seconds.
• The maguffin in this movie is three power cubes (seriously, EXACTLY like in Avengers), but for some reason they are all called "Mother Cubes." Mother Cubes. Seriously. And Steppenwolf (The Scorpion King's baby) KEEPS SAYING THOSE WORDS ALL THE TIME. "Don't worry, Mother! I'll have your cubes soon!" "Mother!" Steppenwolf was seriously like if Buster Bluth drank too much juice and became an evil demigod.
• "You smell good." Why do these movies hate Amy Adams so much? They make her say the absolute stupidest shit ever. Ugh, "you smell good." Barf. Go watch American Hustle, she's amazing in it.
• Cyborg as a character is massively frustrating character. He is "discovering" his powers throughout the movie, so he basically has no idea what he can and can't do. Awesome, us too, buddy.
• The movie did go by fast, which I appreciated it. It wasn't as bloated as every other DC movie. But at the same time a lot of characterization (Cough Cyborg, cough Aquaman) felt rushed as hell. However, I don't think if we got extra footage it would have made any of it any better. It's very paradoxical.
• This movie is terrible. But it almost accidentally became entertaining in a "I'm so bad," kind of way.

Grade: 4 out of 10 Mother Boxes!