Review: Den of Thieves

Den of Thieves (2018) - Christian Gudegast

       Sometimes I am amazed when I watch a movie and think about all the work that goes into them. Actually sit there and look at the credits: It's crazy. There are so many jobs, so many names, so many tasks, so many different pieces of the puzzle that must be carefully placed together, from producers and directors down to cast and crew to post and locations and catering and and and and and. That's why it kind of bums me out when you watch a movie that is so...lackluster. Everyone showed up on time, everyone did their jobs. The director objectively knows how to point a camera, and the actors sure did some acting, but Den of Thieves was definitely a "sum is less than its parts," kind of movie. As in, the sum was a trashy movie that was both overstuffed and boring.
       Remember the movie Heat? Well, the movie Den of Thieves either totally hopes you do, or hopes you have never even heard of it, and I can't tell which. Both movies take place deep in the criminal world of Los Angeles bank robbing, both follow the highly trained, highly skilled thieves who knock over banks and armored cars, and the obsessive police officers sworn to take them down, regardless of the cost or even...the law! Well here's the double-edged sword here, because Heat is a fantastic action/drama with frenetic, frenzied, set-pieces that were riveting and spectacular, but also grounded in character based drama, and starring DeNiro and Pacino before they both started sucking. And Den of Thieves did remind me of Heat in a lot of ways. Unfortunately, it was mostly in a way, "Holy shit this movie is nowhere near as good as the movie Heat, regardless how much they want it to be Heat."

       I feel bad singling him out, though it's obviously not just his fault, but one of the main reasons this movie doesn't work is Gerard Butler's cop character, Big Nick (Jesus, that name. Coincidentally, that was never my nickname in college). In the commercials they make a big stink trying to show off Butler and his team of cops as dirty, cutthroat, almost vigilante type officers who break the rules at every chance they get (because everyone knows when you're looking for loose cannons you go straight to the Los Angeles Sheriff Department. I'm kidding. No one knows that), but the movie doesn't actually show this at all. They're not crazy, illegal cops, they're just drunken, bro, fratboy cops who in one scene smoked a joint and hung out with some prostitutes. Woooah, you guys are crazy! And I won't blame all of squarely on Gerard, because the writing is not good, but his performance is still pretty terrible. He does every prerequisite shitty cop thing imaginable, and it reads like a checklist of shitty writing and acting. Argues with the brass? Check. Is always eating/chewing gum and licking his fingers? Ugh, gross, check. Unnecessary family drama to show how committed to the job he is? Check.

       And THEN there's that whole mess with Big Nick's family where we're actually supposed to give a shit about his personal life? Uh-uh. Since this movie is about as nuanced as a sledgehammer to the groin, the scenes depicting Butler's home life do nothing except make us uncomfortable at the sophomoric attempt to show drama, and also make us hate Big Nick even more. But not in a complicated anti-hero way, in a hateful way, like how I feel about every Johnny Depp character (minus Ed Wood) and also Johnny Depp. This movie does not fare its best when its trying to show us complex, emotional people. When Butler cries in his car after seeing his daughter I checked the time on my phone and did a patented Liz Lemon eye roll. Twas fun!
       The rest of the movie isn't much better, buuut slightly! The criminals, who are all ex-Marines, because sure, are more fun to watch than the cops because at least they keep their heads down and are good at what they do. The crew consists of Pablo Schrieber as Merrimen (Nicky Sobotka from the oft-underrated Season 2 of The Wire!), 50 Cent, and O'Shea Jackson (Ice Chip) as the scared newcomer and driver, Donnie. The scenes with these characters don't end up quite so cringe-worthy because their main focus doesn't try to get so emotional and relatable, instead they are here to rob a bank. Or the "bank of banks" because ya gotta have SHOWMANSHIP, BABY. But the movie's biggest problem on this front is, other than "they are criminals and they were marines" we know nothing about them, and other than the fact that I hated Gerard Butler more, I had no reason to really "root" for the cop killing bank robbers who definitely murder innocent bystanders. There's a fluff of trying to fill them in a little bit, like a short and almost kind of comical scene with 50 Cent's daughter going to prom, but they are too few and far between to actually do any emotional heavy lifting, and instead come off as odd.

       There's actually a line from one of the cops where they say, "They went from Army heroes to bank robbers. What happened?" And then the movie never, ever brings it up again. Because they clearly didn't have the answer either, which is kind of frustrating. We don't need a lot of info, but some kind of emotional implication could have taken one or two lines of dialogue and made us actually, I dunno, understand them slightly more.

       The only criminal who gets any kind of actual characterization is Ice Cube's son, who seriously looks so much like Ice Cube that it's just bonkers watching him. I loved him in Ingrid Goes West, and I am excited that the movie clearly poised him as the most relatable person in the whole thing, because they were right. It DID however, lead to a moment towards the end of the film that was so dumb I actually laughed out loud and asked the person I saw the movie with if they were serious (Haha, I'm joking, I saw this alone. It was Den of Thieves for Christ's sake, no one wanted to see it. Also, it was me for Christ's sake, no one wanted to go to the movies with that guy).

       The last act, which should have been the big payoff for the two hours of garbage movie preceding it where the bad guys do clearly obvious things that for some reason the cops aren't arresting them for because they're too busy crashing a double date with your estranged ex-wife to do actual police work, but the finale is muddled and confusing. Christian Gudegast can't decide if the movie is an exciting heist or a full-on gritty crime/drama. The movie goes from Ice Chip crawling around in vents, switching out bags of Chinese food, and practically putting on a fake nose and mustache to talk to the front desk security, to moments later having an intense (and extremely ill-advised on the part of the cops part) shoot-out around hundreds of civilians and having a touching, "I told you I wasn't going back there, bro," moment before it all ends. Ugh, this movie wants to be Heat so bad. And it's not. It's too long, too scattered, and too stupid.
       On the upside, who here wants to watch Heat?!

Grade: 2.5 out 5 Hungrily Slurped Upon Gerard Butler Fingers

Why do my fingers taste SO good?