ALTERNATIVES TO A SHITTY NEW YEARS EVE

I think Allen Ginsberg said it best when he wrote, "I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked, dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix, all because New Years Eve is so fucking stupid." I'm pretty sure that's how the poem goes. I don't know. I'VE NEVER ACTUALLY READ POETRY. But New Years Eve does drive people to madness. The expectations that go along with peoples' plans for New Years Eve are unrealistically, inhumanly, unachievably high. People spend hundreds of dollars, organize for weeks, and give baby goat sacrifices to the Dark Lords to try and make their New Years Eve a success. It's gotta be BIG and it's gotta include EVERYONE.

Please don't kill this baby goat riding a skateboard.

But some of us left our shovels at home New Years Eve because WE AIN'T DIGGIN'! No overpriced NYE Bar specials for us (I don't care if it's all I can eat and drink for a only $100. I can get a six-pack of PBR tallboys and enough Taco Bell to feed me all night for like 12 bucks)! No anxious friends making a big deal out of nothing! No trying too hard! Instead of having a stressful, over-complicated night, here is a list of some options, from me to you, that you can try this New Years Eve that will be a) easy, b) affordable, c) fun!

(Note: List may not include price reductive thinking, relaxed planning, or fun).

1. Hang out at someone's house and get drunk. Listen to music, watch movies, play games, do anything that is by your normal standards "a fun time." Bring friends, if desired. If some friends are busy with other NYE plans, let them be; you can see them another night. It can be a party, it can be a small hang out. Both can be fun (ask anybody). See how easy that was?

2. Hang out at your house and get drunk. Listen to music, watch movies, play games, do anything that is by your normal standards "a fun time." Invite friends, if desired. If some friends are busy with other NYE plans, let them be; you can see them another night. It can be a party, it can be a small hang out. Both can be fun (ask anybody). Buy Swedish Fish from the grocery store to eat and share. They are delicious.

3. Go see a whole bunch of movies. Sneak into more and more after the first one, it is good because you can see a lot of movies and because stealing is fun. If there are not any good movies playing, bring a flask and get silly during the pictures. WARNING: EVEN THOUGH IT MIGHT SEEM LIKE A GOOD IDEA, DO NOT SEE NEW YEARS EVE. TRUST ME.

(Okay, just throwing it out there, nobody HAS to get drunk like I have already three times suggested. These things are just also a lot of fun if you do. In fact, you could do a LOT more than just get drunk, think of alllllllll the substances there are out there. Or don't do any of them. Ya know, whatever is cool).

4. Eat pizza. Pizza is delicious.

5. Go to a bar. If that is your thing, sure! Do it! Go to a bar you like, not one just because they are having a big NYE party deal. Invite a friend or two (or more, if everyone is readily agreeable), and have a good time. If all your friends are busy with other things and you still want to go to a bar, go by yourself. Meeting people is fun.

6. Make a blanket fort. Trust me.

7. Eat mint chocolate chip ice cream. Mint chocolate chip ice cream is delicious.

8. Pornography. Either making it yourself or watching it, in public or in private, who doesn't like just a little bit of pornography? Why COULDN'T you make a NYE out of it?

9. Play with a baby goat on a skateboard!

(Am I going overboard with the baby goat thing? Fuck if I care, this little guy is amazing. I don't even care if the skateboard ain't moving. I love him for standing on it really cute.)

10. Cure a disease. This one might not be quite as simple, but people will love you for it. If it's a really big one like AIDS then maybe next NYE you can decide exactly what you want to do and EVERYONE else has to do it! Ooooh.

11. See a band you really like play a show. If you have the money, then sure, it will be fun! Bring friends (if friends are also fans of the musical group in question). If your friends are busy with other NYE plans, let them be! If you don't want to go to the concert alone, then don't and don't complain about it.

12. Watch Community on DVD or the internet. Trust me.

Well there we are. If any of you don't have any plans yet or if you hate NYE as much as I do, I hope this list of sane, easily attainable plans for fun can help you out. And if you hated this list, you could spend NYE making your OWN list about things to do on NYE! I AM GIVING YOU FUCKING GOLD HERE PEOPLE.

Oh, quick note before you leave, if you are a guy, and you got a gal, you are not allowed to do what you want. You shouldn't have even bothered reading this list, because no matter what it's up to her. You have to do what your gal wants and if you don't you lose at NYE. Trust me. Be safe, have fun.