ALTERNATIVES TO A SHITTY NEW YEARS EVE

I think Allen Ginsberg said it best when he wrote, "I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked, dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix, all because New Years Eve is so fucking stupid." I'm pretty sure that's how the poem goes. I don't know. I'VE NEVER ACTUALLY READ POETRY. But New Years Eve does drive people to madness. The expectations that go along with peoples' plans for New Years Eve are unrealistically, inhumanly, unachievably high. People spend hundreds of dollars, organize for weeks, and give baby goat sacrifices to the Dark Lords to try and make their New Years Eve a success. It's gotta be BIG and it's gotta include EVERYONE.

Please don't kill this baby goat riding a skateboard.

But some of us left our shovels at home New Years Eve because WE AIN'T DIGGIN'! No overpriced NYE Bar specials for us (I don't care if it's all I can eat and drink for a only $100. I can get a six-pack of PBR tallboys and enough Taco Bell to feed me all night for like 12 bucks)! No anxious friends making a big deal out of nothing! No trying too hard! Instead of having a stressful, over-complicated night, here is a list of some options, from me to you, that you can try this New Years Eve that will be a) easy, b) affordable, c) fun!

(Note: List may not include price reductive thinking, relaxed planning, or fun).

1. Hang out at someone's house and get drunk. Listen to music, watch movies, play games, do anything that is by your normal standards "a fun time." Bring friends, if desired. If some friends are busy with other NYE plans, let them be; you can see them another night. It can be a party, it can be a small hang out. Both can be fun (ask anybody). See how easy that was?

2. Hang out at your house and get drunk. Listen to music, watch movies, play games, do anything that is by your normal standards "a fun time." Invite friends, if desired. If some friends are busy with other NYE plans, let them be; you can see them another night. It can be a party, it can be a small hang out. Both can be fun (ask anybody). Buy Swedish Fish from the grocery store to eat and share. They are delicious.

3. Go see a whole bunch of movies. Sneak into more and more after the first one, it is good because you can see a lot of movies and because stealing is fun. If there are not any good movies playing, bring a flask and get silly during the pictures. WARNING: EVEN THOUGH IT MIGHT SEEM LIKE A GOOD IDEA, DO NOT SEE NEW YEARS EVE. TRUST ME.

(Okay, just throwing it out there, nobody HAS to get drunk like I have already three times suggested. These things are just also a lot of fun if you do. In fact, you could do a LOT more than just get drunk, think of alllllllll the substances there are out there. Or don't do any of them. Ya know, whatever is cool).

4. Eat pizza. Pizza is delicious.

5. Go to a bar. If that is your thing, sure! Do it! Go to a bar you like, not one just because they are having a big NYE party deal. Invite a friend or two (or more, if everyone is readily agreeable), and have a good time. If all your friends are busy with other things and you still want to go to a bar, go by yourself. Meeting people is fun.

6. Make a blanket fort. Trust me.

7. Eat mint chocolate chip ice cream. Mint chocolate chip ice cream is delicious.

8. Pornography. Either making it yourself or watching it, in public or in private, who doesn't like just a little bit of pornography? Why COULDN'T you make a NYE out of it?

9. Play with a baby goat on a skateboard!

(Am I going overboard with the baby goat thing? Fuck if I care, this little guy is amazing. I don't even care if the skateboard ain't moving. I love him for standing on it really cute.)

10. Cure a disease. This one might not be quite as simple, but people will love you for it. If it's a really big one like AIDS then maybe next NYE you can decide exactly what you want to do and EVERYONE else has to do it! Ooooh.

11. See a band you really like play a show. If you have the money, then sure, it will be fun! Bring friends (if friends are also fans of the musical group in question). If your friends are busy with other NYE plans, let them be! If you don't want to go to the concert alone, then don't and don't complain about it.

12. Watch Community on DVD or the internet. Trust me.

Well there we are. If any of you don't have any plans yet or if you hate NYE as much as I do, I hope this list of sane, easily attainable plans for fun can help you out. And if you hated this list, you could spend NYE making your OWN list about things to do on NYE! I AM GIVING YOU FUCKING GOLD HERE PEOPLE.

Oh, quick note before you leave, if you are a guy, and you got a gal, you are not allowed to do what you want. You shouldn't have even bothered reading this list, because no matter what it's up to her. You have to do what your gal wants and if you don't you lose at NYE. Trust me. Be safe, have fun.

Two Awesome Rock Shows: December 20th in Chicago

Tomorrow, December 20th, a Tuesday (normally the day of the week I reserve for seeing half price movies at the Regal Cine, and, coincidentally, also the day I normally reserve for sitting alone in a dark public place while crying and masturbating), will be dedicated all over the city of Chicago (read: pretty much just Wicker Park) for something more important. And that is two awesome rock shows happening from some of the best bands I know (read: Bands I am either in, or my best friends are in. Nepotism WHAT). Let's check out where the rock and roll (rock 'N roll if you're super cool) is going on tomorrow.

Scary Christmas with CREEPY BAND and KILLER MOON @ The Subterranean, 8:30 pm, 21+, $8

Good friends of mine, Creepy Band, are headlining a huge lineup of rock bands (also including KILLER MOON, Fort Wilson Riot, and No Hay Banda) all celebrating a wonderful cause: the birth of Zombie Jesus. Described playfully and sincerely (by a crazy woman) as "a combination of a demented undead Jim Morrison and a demon possessed Dazig fornicating in the depths of hell," Creepy Band was born as a Halloween act, intended to scare and wail simultaneously. However after discovering their love for the eerie, dissonant rock tones, they kept the creepiness going full time, scaring and skeeving us out all year round (really, they creep me out. They're creepy, just look at that drummer.)
Also a band that you should have your legs broken for missing, KILLER MOON. This psychedelic rock trio (sometimes quartet, sometimes cadre), is a fucking atom bomb of heavy, trippy riffs, pounding drums, and a constant march of bass that goes inside your head and makes you fuckin' groove. Their constant onslaught of sights and sounds create an entire experience for at least four of the five senses (though I do encourage you to taste any of the members as well). These motherfuckers play hard, and if you ain't seen them destroying venues all over Chicago, you should get on it. Also, it doesn't hurt that everyone in the band is super attractive.
See?

OH! AND I PLAY IN THE BAND SOMETIMES TOO! NOW YOU OBVIOUSLY WANT TO GO EVEN MORE! LOOK AT ME SHAKING THAT TAMBOURINE I LOOK SO COOL!

So even though I said you should have your legs broken for not going to the SubT (AT LEAST have your legs broken, sheesh), there IS a way to get out of it! The only acceptable reason to not get creepy and killed at the Subterranean is THE GREAT SOCIETY MIND DESTROYER'S RECORD RELEASE SHOW @ The Empty Bottle, 9:00 pm, 21+, $8 (free with RSVP)The Great Society Mind Destroyers (accompanied by Rodeo, Velocicopter, and T'Bone) have long since been one of the main authorities of psychedelic rock and roll in the city of Chicago. They play with conviction, spewing out jam after jam of eclectic 60's psych sounds that have been dragged through the dirt and mud to create a whole different sound, new to both that era and the one we live in now. A Great Society Mind Destroyer show starts with you in one place, and ends with you in a completely different place altogether, one that normally feels like you were taken to by way of spaceship.

And with the release of their new LP SPIRIT SMOKE, featuring favorites like Divinorum and Kamsara Drag (haha), all the bullshit I said can be proven when you take it home and listen to it. The Empty Bottle is practically a second home to the Destroyers, and if you are guaranteed to see them play a fucking great live show anywhere, this is it.
I cannot tell you what show to go see tomorrow. I don't want that responsibility. What if you go to the SubT and your significant other runs into a former lover (one with way better abs than you), sparks fly, and she dumps your sorry ass for him (or her, gender equality, respek)and you are left broken-hearted, crying into your overpriced gin and tonic while KILLER MOON shreds explosions of Sabbath-like noise over your head. I'd feel terrible. I'D FEEL TERRIBLE IF SHE LEFT YOU. But on the other side of the same coin, what if you go to The Empty Bottle and are sexually harassed by someone like this guy? Once again, I'd feel just horrible. So make your own decision. You can't go wrong with either show.

Drunken Letters From the Moon by Justin Bostian (12/10/2011)

Our first contributing writer to the blog is Justin Bostian. Justin was born in Mississippi during the days of Reconstruction, when the cold hard hammer of President Johnson made early life very hard for young Miss Bostian. However, she came to rise over great adversity and become one of the first inner-sexed individuals to ever graduate summa cum laude from the prestigious Middlebury College Writing Program. Not really. Justin while not only being devastatingly handsome (and all man), is a great writer. And like all great writers, he likes the sauce. This is the first of many of his segment titled "Drunken Letters from the Moon."

Fuck You, Cat: A Eulogy

We stand here today in the memory of a feline whose very presence left a palpable discomfort in the air. His angular, robot-esque face, his creamsicle coloring, his vacant, unnerving stare…there are so many reasons to celebrate his demise adoption.

It all started during the great move of 2011; hippies shifting from house to house, gathering up their collections of psychedelic posters, marijuana paraphernalia, paisley scarves and hole-riddled socks, excited at the prospect of a new home, a fresh start, a commune to end all communes. In the midst of packing, an affectionate cat wandered his way into a Humboldt Park slumhouse and wormed his way into our hearts. Lasagna, we called him, was mild, playful, even adorable. Little did we know that he would later trade in his friendly façade for something far more devious.

Here we are, six months later, wiping up the last of Lasagna’s misplaced urine, and I am not ashamed to admit that my body is tingling in anticipation; soon, very soon, I will never have to look at this fucking creeper again. No more falling asleep on the couch only to be molested by a cat with no boundaries. No more piss-soaked books or backpacks. No more yowling at 4:00 AM directly outside of my door. Now Sadie, the feline bitch queen of the house, can reclaim her throne. Now Rudy, our mildly retarded canine, can eat Sadie’s shit straight from the litter-box in peace. We can all let go a sigh of relief; we are safe.

It’s dawned on me that we may miss Lasagna at some point. After all, he is affectionate, still, and he does like to bat things around in the standard cute cat fashion. We’ve given him many nicknames and fictionalized his antics, from the hard-drinking loose-cannon cop Detective Chaz Meowmers to the wealthy, carousing bureaucrat Chancellor Meowmers. Sometimes we even fed him. But I ask, “Does that make it okay? Can cuteness absolve the sins of the past?” The answer, brothers and sisters, is a resounding “NO.”

Lasagna, I hope that in your next life you find comfort. I hope that the hipster girl who is liberating you from your opulent palace of a prison can show you the sort of unconditional love that you need. I hope she’s okay with all of her things being soaked in urine, and I hope she’s comfortable with your lack of respect for personal space. I hope you do well, cat, but from the bottom of my heart, you can go fuck yourself.