Nick Kaminsky's Food Blog III: Pizza My Heart

This one took a REALLY long time to finally edit, I know. But it's ever so worth the wait! For the first time (on this blog, and in my life), here is Nick Kaminsky's patented HOMEMADE PIZZA; homemade sauce, homemade crust, homemade cheese*, the whole deal. Below the video we have the ingredients written out, as always. Enjoy the embarrassment that is my drinking problem!

*There is absolutely no homemade cheese in this recipe. I don't even know how to DO that.



Sauce:
1 Medium Yellow Onion
3-4 Garlic Cloves (make it as garlicy as you want)
1 Can tomato Puree
1 Can diced tomatoes
Salt
Pepper
1/4 cup or so Red Wine (or wed wine vinegar)

Crust:
1 packet dry active yeast
1/2 cup warm water
1/2 cup milk
4-5 cups flour, plus more for later (This was the part of the recipe that gave me a lot of trouble. I ended up using quite a bit of flour, possibly 6-7 cups worth. Just try it out yourself, you can always add more flour to the recipe as you need to. You just want it to look like a pizza dough by the end of it).
A drizzle of Olive Oil
Sugar
Salt
Oregano

Toppings:
Fresh mozzeralla cheese
Sliced Tomatoes
Sliced Mushrooms
Sauteed Garlic
(Use as much of these toppings as you desire. Have fun. Add your own ingredients. Get just as wasted as I did. Or don't.)

After I finished cooking and eating, I promptly fell asleep on the porch. But don't worry. After an hour or so I rallied and cleaned the shit out of those nice girls' kitchen. Thanks again Saoirse, Kate, and Colleen. I loved getting shitty drunk and cooking pizza in your home.

MORE DELICIOUS INTOXICATION TO COME!

Catching Up. Broken Promises. Summer Movies. Autoerotic Asphyxiation Tips

Nope. No reason.

Hello Blogosphere...it's uh. Well, it's me again. I know I was supposed to call. No, I didn't forget. Look, I'm sorry that I have been a total dick lately. It's not that I didn't want to call you or anything, it was just tough. I've been busy with a lot of other stuff and I didn't have a struggling desire to come up with witty blog posts. But in the end I took the coward's way out, and just ignored the problem at hand (SYMBOLISM!!!) It was stupid Blogosphere, and I hope some day you can forgive me. I'm going to try to be better about it. I talk about how I want to write and blah blah blah, so why did I choose to ignore you? It was neglectful on my part, especially because I care about you so much. These are not excuses Blogosphere, but here are some of the reasons I stopped writing to you:

Work became busier - I get such relish in completing my blog posts during the work day. It's the closest I've ever gotten to getting paid for writing! But the warehouse race has just been kicking my ass, and I have not nearly as much time to muse about bullshit. Why don't I just write at home you ask? That is a very good question, and to be honest, I'm kind of fucking offended you asked. I guess that leads to point two:

Laziness - I have been very lazy lately. Very, very, lazy. And when laziness strikes, creative endeavors is the first thing to go out the window (upkeep of apartment, grocery shopping, and personal hygene are usually close to follow).

I am stupid - I have been spending my time doing and worrying about stupid things. STOP BEING A STUPID PERSON, NICK. (That was the comment I got on my fourth grade report card, incidentally. And after I lost my virginity).

I was afraid I didn't know what to write about - Sometimes it's hard thinking of clever and witty thigns to write about in blog posts 3-4 times a week. It can get stressful trying to rack my brain for more things to discuss and explore. But then. But THEN. I realized something improtant: Who gives a shit? This Blogosphere is probably 75% consisted of Nick Kaminsky anyway. What I'm trying to say here is: this blog is more for me than anyone else. Does that sound selfish? It should. I'm a selfish person and I think I am fucking hilarious. It's true, ask anyone. I am the goddamn most hilarious person ever in the entire world, according to me. So I don't need to worry about creating interesting topics or being "relevant" (whatever THAT means). I just gotta do what I do. Which is entertain the shit out of myself.

Well. There we have it. What else is going on?

The summer is almost over, so that means the Summer Blockbuster season is almost over as well. I have done my best to see as many movies as the shrapnel in my back pocket could afford, but sure, I definitely missed a few big name flicks. But what are you gonna do? Well, not see Dark Shadows, for one.

The Movies I liked:

Moonrise Kingdom - My favorite movie of the summer. It is almost like Wes Anderson is doing an impersination of a Wes Anderson movie, but it is still really great, and really quirky, and has shirtless Bill Murray holding an axe. We have a best movie of 2012 so far. "I love you, but you don't know what you're talking about."

Magic Mike - I had to see this movie a second time because the first time I was too drunk and fell asleep. I love this movie. It is legitmately good. And yes, I am half in love and half obsessed with Channing Tatum. C-Tates is the MAN. Throw him in with Academy Award winning and no-name-taking BADASS like Steven Soderburgh, and you got a straight up awesome movie. Also, Matthew McCounghaey playing Matthew McConnahey. Alright, alright, alright.

The Dark Knight Rises - Easily my favorite Batman movie of the new trilogy. It was the best told story of the three, and didn't have an absolutely awful third act. I appreciate that. Also, and I don't like saying this, and hope I will never have to again, but Anne Hatheway was probably my favorite part of the movie. I need a shower now.

The Avengers - Easily the best superhero movie ever made.

Men In Black III - Woah. Who the fuck saw this one coming? It took two years to complete due to production halts and budget problems, didn't have a finished script when production began, and the entire time traveling idea for the film was thought up by Will Smith himself. This movie should have sucked and it should have sucked hard (the second one is an abortion of a film), but it doesn't. This movie doesn't suck at all. In fact it's kind of...good?

Ted - Yeah, I did. I liked Ted. I can't resist Mahky Mahk. It was a totally competent comedy and it made me laugh.

Movies I didn't like:

Prometheus - Goddamn I wanted to like this movie, I really did (if for nothing else than Michael Fassbender and his big dong), but I didn't. I didn't think it was successufl as an scifi/horror action flick, and I didn't think it worked as a philosphical drama either. It fell flat. And I peed on it afterwards.

The Amazing Spiderman - I didn't hate this movie. But I didn't really like it. It couldn't decide on a tone, which, seems like a pretty important part of a superhero movie. It tries to be edgy and new, but still can't shed all of the silly playfulness and cheese that is Spiderman. That and it was too long. And the villain's motivations made no sense whatsoever. And also, WE JUST SAW THIS MOVIE TEN YEARS AGO.

Hi. I'm the only good part of this movie.

Movies I did not see beacuse eh:

• The Dictator
• Seeking a Friend for the End of the World
• Brave
• Total Recall
• The Bourne Legacy
• Savages
• Expendables 2 (Okay this I do really want to see, I just haven't yet)

Movies I did not see because ew:

• Dark Shadows (Fuck Tim Burton)
• Snow White and the Huntsman (EW)
• Madagascar 756
• Ice Age 432
• Rock of Ages (I worked at a maximum security prison for 7 years, and the trailer for that movie is still the gayest thing I've ever seen)
• Battleship (Fuck Transformers at sea. Man, I'm not even sure why, but I do feel a little bad for Taylor Kitsch though. That dude took a pounding this summer. And not the fun kind)

My movies make no money. I bet it has nothing to do with my douchebag face.

• Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter (how can you have a movie called Abraham Lincoln VAMPIRE HUNTER and give it no sense of humor whatsoever?)
• Katy Perry 3D Concert (Hahahahahah)
• Tyler Perry's Witness Protection (Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry)
• The Watch

Looking through this list I realize I should have seen more movies. Particularly the ones that looked horrible. I would have loved to include Battleship and Snow White onto my "movies I hated list." I would have hated both of those. Especially the one with Heartburn McBiteslip.

My movies make a lot of money. I bet it's because of my douchebag face.

So a few months ago I lost another iPod (I've gone through more iPods in the last 10 years than I have pairs of shoes), and in an angry decision to never shell out the big bucks for an mp3 player again, I bought a tiny 4 gig piece of shit. It's not like I need anything fancy. Just a small device that will hold 20-30 albums and some songs that I like to run to (this body didn't happen by accident). Simple enough. And for the 60 bucks I ended up shelling out on it (no I didn't shop around because MAN REASON SHOPPING IS DUMB), I figured it would definitely be able to handle the two simple tasks I asked of it.

You're a piece of shit, Derek!

But it couldn't. It's a piece of shit. And as a result I only have four albums on it. I have pretty much only listened to four different albums all summer. They are the following:

Funhouse - The Stooges
Maggot Brain - Funkadelic
Odessey and Oracle - The Zombies
Who Killed Sgt. Pepper? - The Brian Jonestown Massacre

SO. Really I could be in much worse company. Those are four pretty fucking awesome records. But still, it gets kind of repetitious. I mean, I love the Stooges, but I can't even hear 1969 (lame). But I will say, I have such a big goddamn appreciation for that Jonestown album now. I, like most people out there (I'd guess, I can't speak for everyone because 99 PERCENT), I had started to grow a bit weary with new Brian Jonestown albums. They are becoming stranger, more electronic, and way more European. But after listening to this album over and over and over (and over and over and over) I have come to love it so much. Each track, most stranger than the last, have such an interesting and undeniable energy to them. Oh yeah, that strange energy is a lot of drugs. This album was produced on and makes you want to do a lot of drugs.

And always have a spotter.

See you soon Blogosphere.

Nick Kaminsky's Food Blog - Episode 2: Drunk Scampi

O Glorious Blogosphere, how I have desired to suckle once again from your gentle bosom! That was weird. Well! Here we are with the second cooking video blog (or VLOG AS THE CRAZY KIDS ARE CALLING IT), made by the only man willing to stoop this low while cooking such high class food! Enjoy the madness that ensues, and the deliciousness that follows!



RECIPE

POTATOES

3 Medium-Large Potatoes, chopped into pieces
1-2 tbsp. Extra Virgin Olive Oil (EEVO)
Salt
Pepper
Roast at 350 until browned and crispy delicious (about 35-45 minutes)

PARSLEY SAUCE

3 Scallions (Just the green part)
3 Cloves Garlic
1/2 - 1 Bunch Italian Parsley
1 tbsp. White Wine Vinegar
Salt
Pepper
Red Chili Flakes
2-3 tbsp EEVO (Slowly drip into the parsley mixture while inside the food processor until you get a texture like in the video. It's awesome that way.)

SHRIMP SCAMPI

2-3 tbsp Unsalted Butter
3 Garlic Cloves
2-3 tbsp. Parsley
1 tbsp. White Wine
1/2 Lemon
Salt
Pepper

Assemble on plate. Add GOAT CHEESE LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!! Enjoy.

Until next time Blogosphere!

COOKING BLOG - TACOS

Tonight I am once again joining with the evil forces of the culinary world to record another video cooking blog. A VLOG if you will. But that won't be done for a while SOOOOOOO let's put up a bunch of silly pictures of me cooking tacos! Okay, Nick! Thanks, Blogosphere!

So here is how to make an old school taco, with nothing but tasty meat (haha), onions, cilantro, and lime.

[Editor's Note: There are no limes in this Cooking Blog. I make the proper substitutes. Back off.]


You sure need onions! That's a small yellow onions. Onions are delicious! Did you know why onions can make you cry? Because you're a little bitch.


This is cilantro! It's delicious! It makes everything smell and taste so fresh! Those Mexicans sure know what they're doing!


This is chicken. Or as the Mexicans call it, POLLO (Pronounced Poy-YO, because Languages are crazy!) Here are two chicken breasts. They come from the chest portion of the chicken's body. We eatin' titties.


Calm, reflective, ready and willing, but not over-eager....but really, aren't I cute?


If you make tacos and you don't use cumin then I just don't understand you. I tried, and I don't.


Salt. Pepper. Whatever.


Tortillas. No big deal.


Okay seriously, everything about this picture I love. Cheese is optional for old-school taco. But. If ya got it, ya know. Fuckin' cheese rocks.


Sour cream, also not necessary, but delicious. I recommend adding three tablespoons (a healthy dollop) to your partner's chest before love-making commences.


Hey. Make it spicy, buddy. Make it spicy.


Seasoning!


Seasoned! Cook the chicken until it looks like....


...this. And don't ever stop trying in life until you look as bad ass as I do. Just some advice.


I cut up the chicken using my mad knife skills. I got razor sharp skills and I got razor sharp blades y'all. Hater's gonna hate but that shit ain't mean nothin' to the hardest werkin' and twerkin blogger in da blogosphere yo! It's like mah boy C-Tates always be sayin', "It ain't whack to be dope, YO!"


Okay, I'm really sorry, but I didn't realize I didn't have limes until halfway through making these fucking tacos. So instead I put lemon juice on it. Okay? It's almost the same. I said I was fucking sorry.


Hey kids.


Put the meat, cilantro, onions, lime (lemon) juice (and cheese and sour cream if desired) into the tortilla. I guess you could heat up the tortilla or bake it a little or something too, but I was kinda drunk by this point so we just weren't little bitches about it and we ate em as is. Like bosses.


Deliciosity. Enjoy your tacos, you fuckers.


Mike Ortiz eats tacos! Mike Ortiz is also allergic to latex, I found out that night.


Mindi's gross. She's sexy and I want her, but she's gross.


Kristen steals Jake's taco! Jake seriously punched her in the face right after this picture was snapped. There was a lot of blood. He broke her cheek bone or something. I don't know I'm pretty sure she's fine now. Dig.

NICK KAMINSKY'S FOOD BLOG - EPISODE 1

This might not be the drunk cooking video blog you want, but it is the drunk cooking video blog you need. The recipe: cheeseburgers (Nick style). The vibe: sexy. Sit back and enjoy.

Here are the ingredients listed. Remember, these amounts are just rough guidelines. They are not "exact." Mostly because I'm not actually ever sure what I'm "doing."

For the Burger Patties:

1/2 lb Ground Pork

1/2 lb Ground Beef

3-4 Garlic Cloves

1 Shallot

1 tbsp Parsley

Salt

Pepper

For the Sriracha Mayonnaise:

Mayonnaise

Sriracha

Salt

Pepper

Curry Powder

A little lemon juice (eh?)

For the Onions and Mushrooms:

Onions

Mushroom

Salt

Pepper

Whomp.

Olive Oil

Butter

Crushed Rep Pepper Flakes

(All good)

EAT AND DIG BLOGOSPHERE!

THREE "AWESOME" SITCOM IDEAS

I could totally be a TV sitcom writer (he thinks to himself, smugly, daily, while sipping a hot cup of his own frothy piss). Writing for TV is not hard to do. It is hard to do WELL, sure, but have you ever seen sitcoms? They're mostly the worst (unless you're Community). It's all just following the same formula with each episode (unless you're Community), and trying to keep your viewers comfortable with the characters you've created (unless you're Community). With that in mind, I totally believe that I can come up with a few good pilots that could easily become decent TV sitcoms (read: Not as good Community, but still WAY better than Whitney). Oh look, it took me ten minutes and I just came up with three! (Note: None of these ideas came from my life. Or Community)

My First Marriage

Nick (totally not based on me, I promise) and his friend, the unfortunately named Ember, are both unsuccessful writers down on their luck financially and romantically. To help revitalize their fiscal saituations, writing, and lives, they decide to get married. The two think it's a hilarious notion, Nick being excited to "get that pesky first marriage out of the way." Both are sure it will mix things up perfectly, and give them new perspectives on relationships and friendship for their writing. Of course, nothing is ever that simple, and the two quickly find out they may have gotten more than they bargained for when they became "husband and wife."

Long Distance

Two best friends, Nick (totally not based on me, I promise) and Brittany, have been back in the states for some time now. One lives in Chicago, and the other lives right outside of Columbus, Ohio. When they lived in Bangkok they both raged hard, but since being back in America, Brittany has calmed down and settled into a quiet (boring?) life with her new boyfriend. Nick on the other hand, is forever the partier (too much partying?) and living the single's life. The two talk daily (via text, phone, skype) to fill each other in on the details of their lives. They help each other get through and learn from the day to days of their extremely different post-abroad lives.

The Rev

A young musician, Nick (totally not based on me, I promise) is dumped by his longtime girlfriend for not caring enough about their future. After pining horribly over her, he resolves to win her back and prove he cares. Through misguided advice from his best friend and fellow musician Brett, he decides to become an ordained minister and begins performing marriages. But when he finds out it's going to take a lot more than that to win her back, Nick realizes he actually kind of likes marrying people. Through different wedding ceremonies each episode, he starts to learn more about relationships and himself than he ever thought he would.

See how easy that was (Of course you can't see, you didn't watch me type this. Or...did you)? That's three solid sitcoms right there, and I actually do think one of them could probably be turned into a halfway watchable TV show. Especially if they got someone young and fresh to play the main parts. Maybe someone familiar with the subjects of the shows. Someone who, while not professionally trained, knows personally he has quite the acting chops. Maybe he has long hair? Okay, okay, it's me! I should play the main characters! Or Danny Pudi. That guy is AMAZING.

Here are some awesome Community clips for your eyes and brain!

THIS IS A BLOG

So I'm totally kicking ass at this blog, huh? Writing it weekly, sometimes even bi-weekly (LIKE A WEEK THAT DIGS BOTH GIRL WEEKS AND GUY WEEKS), always supplying my avid (rabid?) fan base with top of the line information and insight about art, culture, and the art of culture. Yeah, I do aaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllll that. Get the schtick I'm going for? It's funny, because it's not true. I don't do these things. I keep forgetting about this fucking blog. I don't really forget about, it's just I keep finding myself at a loss for what to talk about that isn't just me wanking off in cyber space about what Michael Shannon movie you should be watching. The answer is any, but the more helpful answer is Take Shelter (2011) because oh my god it is so good it makes me just want to take my dick out, right here in this cyber space, and just start jerkin' it. Get it all over the keyboard. I don't give a fuck. It's my blog.

This here is a picture of Snoop Dogg on The Price is Right.

I think it is awesome. "Nah my nizzle Drew Cizzle, this gangsta ain't interested in this bogus-ass Showcase. Me and my homies ain't swimmin' in no above ground pool do ya hizzle? I'ma bid on a dune buggy mothafucker! Now get me my pimp glass while I smoke a blunt and have my bitches roll this big-ass bling wheel, ya jizzle with me?"

See? This is some good blog STUFF, amiright?

Boba Fett with titties. You're welcome.

I've been on a wine kick the last few days. I find it the most romantic way to get drunk (which is ironic, considering how much I drink it by myself. BUT WHO SAID ROMANCE IS DEAD? WHO'S TO SAY I CAN'T TURN ON SOME LUTHER VANDROSS, LIGHT A FEW CANDLES, SUCKLE ON A BOTTLE OF WINE AND MAKE MYSELF FEEL JUUUUUUUUUST RIGHT), and I find myself happier and lighter than when I'm whiskey-bombed. But the best part is I can still get as trashed as I would on whiskey, but not be as out of control. Oh, I kind of forgot to mention that this is in relation to my writing. I'm obviously one of those writers (i.e. alcoholic), but I just prefer to do my work with a glass or bottle right there beside me. Psh, that's probably the reason I decided to start writing in the first place, because it's the most socially acceptable job to hold and still be constantly sauced (except for, of course, Airline Pilot and Birthday Party Clown. God, I miss clowning).

But getting back on the subject (haha, like there's one of those), red wine has been a great companion for my writing endeavors. I feel more amarous to the page as I write, the red wine helping me to relax and not overthink things. Don't get me wrong, whiskey DEFINITELY helps me to not overthink (or think at all for that matter. PEOPLE LIKE IT WHEN YOU CLOSE TALK THEIR FACES RIGHT??? RIGHT?!?!), but I can only drink so much whiskey before I'm just a wreck. Structure is lost, sentences aren'tfinished, meaning is blurred, and I start using far too much slang from the fifties (I gotta try to cool it Big Daddy, I get all cranked because my bag really razzes my berries, but I'm not made in the shade just yet, I still got some gringles in my jingles).

So to summarize, whiskey good. Red wine, also good.

This is just...this just is. I love this kid. I want to invite him over and make nachos. I also want that really uncomfortable girl to come, and sit with her back just angled to us the whole time while she makes that nervous face.

Finally, and on a serious note, there is one more thing I need to bring to the attention of the Blogosphere (Blogosphere is also the name of a new Space-Themed Cereal I'm creating and marketing. "Blast Off With a Mouthful of Blogospheres, the Only Cereal That Tastes As Good Going In As It Does Coming Out!" Or I'm maybe thinking, "Blogospheres! FUCKING EAT 'EM!"). I bring this to your attention so that you fully realize the dangers I am putting myself, and my body in. It's bad. It's real bad. Ohhhhh, but it's good.

Justin Bostian and Nicholas Mallorie Kaminsky.

Have Purchased.

TATTOO GUNS.

OOOHHHH SHIT. For those of you who know me (and for that, I am truly, deeply remorseful), you know I have a slight tattoo obsession. But not in a groovy, fully committed way that involves beautiful artistic pieces that consume generous portions of skin. I get tons of little, ridiuclous cartoonish tattoos in discreet (i.e. invisible unless nacked) places all over what I guess I call a body. I have countless tattoos (unless, that is, you learned how to count) around my legs, back, torso, shoulders, and I always want more. And more, and more, and more. And now I have a fucking tattoo gun? Jeeeeeeeeesus, my poor skin is fucked. I've already designated my right thigh as my "practice thigh." Once I get good enough (which is a relative, moot, non-term) I will venture out to other parts of my body, and Justin's body (that is what he said), and hopefully, if any of you are confident enough, ON YOU!

Free tattoos motherfuckers! Get 'em while they're hot! And by hot, I mean still relatively clean, because we are not buying new needles once we use up the ones they give us. Ha! A joke about unsanitary tattoo procedure performed by non-professionals. I think I broke new grounds of humor here tonight folks. I want to thank you as much as you want to thank me. This was a step towards something beautiful. Now who's ready to take the new convertible out for a spin? Maybe get some chimichangas and make fun of homeless people? Of course, boo, you can operate the fryalator...what else are boos for?

The Great Gatsby: Chapter One

A reading of F. Scott Fitzgerald's classic novel, The Great Gatsby, as read by me, The Sea Green. One chapter at a time.

Chapter One

Here's an Introduction for you

Hello all, hello friends, bloggers, tweeters, youtubers, fasbookers, here's the digs: This is my, Nick Kaminsky's, Blog (spot dot blogspot dot com). My reasons for the creation of this blogspot (dot blogspot) are plentiful (and highly sexual). I needed a forum where I could combine my favorite forms of art and multimdedia and put it in a space where people can actually interact with it. I wanted a blog where I could include not only weekly musings about movies and pop culture and the city of Chicago, but have others contribute their own thoughts, or stories, or music, or portraits embroidered in boards of wood.

Also, I love the sound of my own voice (literally, I will read this out loud after writing and I will be filled with delightful joy at the soothing inflection of my baritone intonation). The chance to be able to yap online, as freely and as much as I'd like is just far too enticing an offer to pass. And shit, if I adore all of the things I have to say about cooking, booze, and Ryan Gosling, then shouldn't all of you as well? For all these reasons, I thought to myself one ridiculously warm November morning (because Chicago) that I should totally start a blog. That, and because I need a website url to put on the back of a business card. For if I ever get a business. And I really want a business card.

I'm sure it will be slow coming, but soon I think this could be a groovy place in the blogosphere (that word is funny because it's not a real word) to check out a lot of cool shit. I've got some weekly column ideas I think I'd like to try out (mostly involving movies, and tv, and going to see movies, and watching tv on the internet), and am always interested in talking about things that are going on in this illustrious (read: cold) city I live in. And like I said before, I want to have friends and artists (friend-artists) adding their chosen forms of creation to the page. Writing of any kind is welcome (fiction/nonfiction, short stories, essays, whathaveyou), but much more is possible (it IS two thousand and eleven, and we DO have the capabilities of the interweb), and we can include plenty of different mediums onto the blog.

So sure, let's see where this fucker goes. We'll see if we can't tame it like a wild horse, seduce her like the curvacious beauty in the back of the bar, chug it like a motherfucking beer. Basically, I am going to fuck this blog. I am not going to use protection.